I've Been Waiting For You

Today is my due date, and Tristan Steadman Payne is 4 weeks old today.  The last couple months have been so different than I had anticipated.  I had scheduled clients through tomorrow, since firstborns are usually late.  I was proactive in a lot of my preparations, but not all of them.  I believe I was blessed with a sense of urgency in my baby preparations.  Although I feared a 10-pound baby, I never considered I could ever give birth to a child under 4.  I didn't know it was possible to dilate backwards, or for your body to suck the baby back in.  I had no idea how strong I could be, or that I would love and excel at being a mother more than I ever imagined.  Tristan and I have such a long road left to walk with his daddy and siblings, but so far it's so much better than I dreamed.

So much of the time since we learned Tristan would be born early has been a massive blur.  The 12 days of bedrest in the hospital are a haze of smiling as nurses tried to pin down Tristan on the monitor, eating decent room service, writing my urine output 800x, watching intermittently entertaining television, and of course randomly sleeping day and night.  Most home bedrest was sleeping late and lying in bed until I finally convinced myself to go downstairs for the day.  Mom came over often to help with housework and to take me to the doctor for monitoring.

Someday I'll write what I remember of Tristan's birth story, but I'll need Jason's help.  Even though my birth experience was almost entirely positive and I spent a good portion of my labor talking about next time, that whole wiping the memory thing is very real.  I also just don't have the mental energy right now.  The days since Tristan's birth have both dragged and flown, often somehow at the same time.  I adore him more effortlessly than breathing, more than I thought possible.  It is so simple, though not always easy, to meet as many of his needs as I can no matter what it requires of me.  It is the greatest joy I have ever known.

Today I feel intimidated, validated, excited, insightful, so many things at once.  I am facing what may be the greatest physical challenge of my life.  Tristan's blood sugar continues to prevent us taking him home, and I was so tired of trying the same thing over and over again hoping for different results.  We are hopeful he will outgrow these problems, but I desperately needed another option.  Watching him all day, attending to his patterns and behaviors and evaluating his feeding plan, I suggested he might do well eating orally every 2 hours.  His treatment team mulled this option over for several days, and as soon as I suggested it I realized I had not thought it through.  If we moved forward, I would potentially be responsible for feeding Tristan for a half hour 12x a day, as well as pumping food for him 8x a day.  Needless to say this idea is overwhelming.

I guess when I thought of the plan I figured nights are often slow, and during the day I'm always here.  The nurses will be helping me out as much as possible, and I do have a hospital room tonight.  We reeeeeeally love Ronald McDonald House, so we are hoping it will be possible for the nurses to take the night shift.  That being said, Tristan's sugars are consistently amazing since we started this plan at 11AM, by far the best they have ever been.  It is so exciting!!!  He ate everything (35mL) at 11 & 1 but his poor tummy kept him up until he crashed hard halfway through his feeding at 3.  I don't remember if he took 16 or 19.  At 5 he never even opened his mouth.  He was so exhausted, but that meant I got a short nap too because he slept the whole time between his 3 and 5 feeds and kept sleeping while I ate dinner until Daddy woke him up just before 7.  He took 31 and then the full 35 at 9.  When he isn't able to eat everything in a half hour, the remainder goes in his feeding tube.  We feel really hopeful if he gets his tummy to cooperate and starts sleeping after every feed, we'll really be on the road towards home.

Obviously this plan is intimidating.  Every 2 hours is a MASSIVE commitment, but I'll do whatever is necessary to bring him home healthy.  They won't release him until we are either able to push that 2 hours a bit, and/or have a plan for how Jason and I can eventually safely determine he is ready to stretch his feeding times.  We also need a plan for how to handle it if he is too tired to eat, because his stability depends on him eating and we do NOT want to go home with a feeding tube.  But we will keep moving ahead as best we can, supporting our son in every way possible.

His follow-up MRI is scheduled for Monday and we have asked to get his EEG scheduled so we can get the results of everything at once from his pediatric neurologist.  He is doing SO WELL we can't help but be cautiously optimistic the news will be fantastic.  Tristan moved up to newborn diapers yesterday, and he now weighs 5 pounds, 7.65 ounces.  We are so proud of how hard he is working.  He is so precious and wise and curious and we can't see how we could possibly love him more, yet it seems to grow every day.  I feel so excited to take him home and watch his beautiful future unfold.  Despite everything, we are so richly blessed.  And now it is time for this mommy to set this baby in his temporary bed, pump for the 8th time today, and hopefully sleep for a couple hours before stuffing his cute little face again.  Goodness he's perfect.  The most perfect thing I could ever do.