Even If

Trauma. Sucks. Yesterday was my surgery to hopefully manage abdominal pain & get some answers to guide what choices are open to us in terms of efforts to grow our family biologically. I hadn't had surgery in almost 13 years & not in Boise for almost 16. We pulled up & I just felt dread. My dad dropped me off to go park, at the same door where Jason dropped me off so many times to spend my day with Tristan in the NICU. I stopped at the same desk I would pass every morning, & passed the elevators I would take at least a couple times a day.

An unforeseen but sometimes massive consequence of the majority of Tristan's care being in the same system as where his life started is the smells. They're all the same, everywhere. Sometimes I'll sanitize at PT or speech or wash my hands after changing Tristan & it'll be a bit of a slap in the face. It started to really hit me heading towards the elevator. I'm not sure exactly when I broke, but by the time my dad and I sat down in the surgical waiting room I was crying. I hate that it still hits so hard & hurts so much, but I'm grateful it's not usually so overwhelming.

Tuesday & Wednesday I was trying to update my ridiculously basic will, just to be safe. With a couple families we care for experiencing sudden losses recently, it felt especially important but impossibly huge. I knew the basics about my medical preferences, but for things like funeral arrangements & songs I drew a total blank. I guess I was thinking about it Wednesday morning driving to Tristan's appointment. I didn't think of songs I wanted to be part of my funeral, but I did think of songs like "Overcomer" & "The Sun is Rising" which have brought me comfort, most recently "Even If".

I was anxious, mostly worrying about the possibility of bad news regarding future biological children, & also how Tristan would manage me being unable to lift him for the next several weeks. I felt a deep need for those songs. I thought about turning on the local Christian station & mentally shook my head at the thought of the songs I wanted just magically playing. But, I figured at least they would probably be playing something uplifting. I came in with maybe a minute left of a song I didn't recognize, and then it happened. I began to cry as "Even If" came on.  I'm nowhere near at peace with Tristan's future or the unknown surrounding more children, but it was such a comfort to have the song I was craving come on at just the time I needed. It wasn't anything so big as I'm pleading for, but it was something.  A reminder of greater promises yet to be.

I know a lot of people may not understand this, but these pictures are true love to me. Rowan cuddled Tristan & cared for him all day while I was in surgery & Jason was working. At Jason's behest, Garion bought me beautiful flowers. On the way home I asked my mom to text Jason to please move Tristan's big toys so I could safely walk through the house. It was already done! Jason took my arm & helped me to bed where I found a TV table with my water bottle, pain meds, & phone charger. Tristan's bed was already moved to Jason's side so I don't accidentally wake up when Tristan asks for loves & injure myself trying to lift him into bed with me.

It's not easy being Mommy, but Tristan's daddy is doing his best. Caring for Tristan at night is very demanding, with lots of requests for bottle, binky, & loves. It was cute to hear "No! Daddy!" last night when Jason tried to put Tristan back in his Elmo Bed, but I know the disappointment that comes when you were desperate to just sleep like a human instead of a koala. Daddy doesn't have Mommy ears so occasionally the teeth-grinding & bottle requests woke me up first, but that may change some as Daddy has the majority of the parenting load over the next couple weeks.

As for the surgery. Jason gave me a priesthood blessing & my dad took me to the hospital. My mom joined us in pre-op & my dad tagged out. I feel so grateful to have my parents close and eager to offer so much support. My pre-op nurse complimented my purple toenails & colorful hair, both courtesy of my wonderful husband. My heels were horrifically, embarrassingly calloused when she put on my hospital socks, & today Jason was kind enough to file & lotion them. He went way out of his way months ago to buy me huckleberry lotion & it smells so freaking delicious. I married such a wonderful man, such a good husband and daddy.

Recovery was very strange. I can't remember ever feeling so weak in my entire life. My throat was constricted & my left eye was super angry. My eye has actually been the biggest problem by far. A few months ago I had a contact disappear, looked & looked & no luck so I gave up, & I'm guessing it's still in there despite some serious efforts multiple times to get it out. It blows. Once it mellows out I probably need to get to the doctor, even though my mom & the nurse put in some serious effort to get it out.  Makes me nervous about what it may take to be successful but it clearly needs to happen.

I think it took me a long time to come out of it, though I didn't hear a lot about timelines. I couldn't speak but I had the strength to sign, but my mom only knows a very few signs from Tristan. I was so proud of her she guessed I couldn't handle water but ice chips were great, my throat was tight, & she figured out the sign for learn! I think she probably thought there was more ASL involved than there really was because my vocabulary is really weak so I relied a fair bit on charades as well. The weakness was severe enough I kept dropping my head and hands after a few seconds at a time which was incredibly unsettling. They drugged me up good. I eventually managed an unsteady trip to the bathroom, my mother dressed me, & I was able to go home.

My surgeon stopped in & showed me some pictures of a bunch of things inside me that were stuck together but shouldn't be. Some he was able to address but others he wasn't. One of our goals had been to fix my left ovary in place because it's nowhere near where it should be. I don't remember all the reasons, but ultimately he wasn't able to do that because there was no room where it needed to go. I think he got my fallopian tubes some more breathing room & confirmed they're working, but I think my uterus was basically fused to a couple other organs I can't remember. So yeah, big fat mess. He will pass on the images & his findings to my reproductive specialist, & I've left a voicemail to contact me for next steps which is likely a consult before anything else.

So....officially I still don't know much, but the images looked exponentially worse than the ones I saw almost 13 years ago. It's ridiculously congested in there, & not with things that should be in your gut. So once again I'm validated in knowing things weren't right, but this time it definitely wasn't as smooth an outcome. I reread my post from September today.  I feel so angry I was told the issue was needing to lose weight. Clearly that was NOT the problem, & I ache thinking of what a difference that lost time could have made, in so many ways.

I'm grateful to be recovering well. My eye is frustrating, but my throat & abdomen are manageable. I haven't needed any pain medication since waking up. I slept 4 hours after I got home yesterday and a couple today. My husband and big boys were sweet enough to grab me crackers and water, but yesterday I ended up only taking a few sips a couple times when I felt nauseated. I had crackers this morning and cereal this afternoon. I've been so grateful to somehow avoid Kehr's Sign which has caused me significant pain after past surgeries, though my right shoulder definitely wasn't elevated as high as the rest of my body during surgery so it's crabby. Ever since Korey & I were rear-ended all those years ago both my shoulders, but especially my right have been prone to just enough slippage to be very uncomfortable.

I feel anxious for what answers may be waiting. I know we can try naturally for a miracle baby until the day I complete menopause if we want, but odds are terrible even if you only consider my age. I don't yet know what the news about my ovaries & all the scar tissue means for our ability to consider IVF. I do know with all that chaos, it's likely truly a miracle our beautiful, determined little boy made it through. I mean, he was so adamant and eager to join our family he urged us to move up our wedding date twice. And I am grateful. Now that I contemplate it a bit, maybe he knew something about my body & the window when he would be able to make it. I'm grateful Jason & I listened. Whatever comes, I have a loving, devoted, infinitely kind husband & four beautiful, loving, amazing children. If that is all my family is ever to be, I pray my Heavenly Father will provide comfort & courage to accept that. They are blessings many don't receive in this life, & I know how blessed I am to have them.

"It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may"