Project Bombshell

So I am going to start this change as all good change begins: with self-realization. I am fat. Well, actually I am obese. Funny how fat is generally considered the more brutal word, when obese is the word that means "I'm eating myself to death". Either way I'm rarely known for being anything less than brutally honest so it's appropriate that I start out that way now. It seems I've been overweight my whole life, but I think the first time I remember REALLY being aware of it I was 12 & talking to my "boyfriend" on the phone (hahaha, such a ridiculous term for a 12-year-old), & he was asking what I weighed. At the time if I remember correctly I weighed 144 pounds, which was 20 more than he weighed. He didn't care, but that same year I was asked if I was pregnant in choir class, & also teased once because a guy thought I weighed in the 130's. I had mixed feelings about this since obviously it hurt, but he also thought I weighed significantly less than I did so I was grateful.

It was around that time I was diagnosed with a thyroid disorder, although I've never been able to remember if I was hypo or hyper. It's really irrelevant since either way a thyroid out of whack often equals a significant weight change. I don't remember a specific time where my weight shot out of control, where suddenly none of my clothes fit or anything but quite frankly I'd had more important things on my mind for years by that point. I had always been taller than everyone my age, always the girl on the back row of class pictures. That didn't really bother me, I was proud of it. The odd thing is my sisters developed much the same way that I did but have always managed to take advantage of their more adult-looking curvaceous bodies, where I always felt I looked absolutely huge. I don't know if I really was that much bigger than everyone around me, it's impossible to say. I look back at pictures from early high school & sometimes I think "whoa, I was tiny!" & others "yup, I was even fatter than I thought", so really, I don't know. Suffice it to say that I hated middle school with a fiery passion & high school only slightly less, because most people seemed indifferent to me by then thankfully.

So if it's been unclear up till now, I don't know exactly when I started looking, & feeling overweight. I can't pinpoint one specific issue that's kept me where I am, although I'm sure some people are naive enough to think it's as simple as "mmmmmmmm, chocolate". I've tried, & succeeded up to a point in losing weight several times. My most successful attempt resulted in fifty pounds lost, but there's a harsh reality even to that success that few people know. I was on an incredibly extreme diet for 3 months & I ROCKED it. I was averaging a pound to a pound & a half every two days. It was great! I was thrilled, & I was lucky enough to have a best friend who was willing to start it with me, & who was observant enough to be able to see my success even when I couldn't. That resulted in me losing forty pounds in ninety days. In less than a month I was in the hospital with a burst appendix & severe peritonitis, & my recovery process resulted in another ten pounds lost. What no one but Korey knows is that between Halloween, when I ended my diet (naturally with the intention of enjoying Halloween & then going right back on it) & the night of November 10th when I first started showing symptoms, I had gained back....I think thirteen pounds? By the time I actually went into the hospital I had lost it all again, but obviously that's not the point. Although I could stubborn my way through anything, I couldn't maintain it, there was no way.

So now I come to the point of this entry, & the reinvention of this blog, & also myself. Although I will continue to use this blog for everyday personal stuff as well, its main purpose will be to chronicle my weight loss journey. In the past I have shared my successes with many, & my struggles with a very select few. My own pride has kept me from admitting to many things, & it has been my greatest stumbling block. Well, that & my fear. There is something few fat people will admit. Being fat SUCKS, but you know what? It keeps you safe, at least in theory. If someone leaves, if they don't like you, if they're mean to you, you have the freedom to pretend "oh they don't like me because I'm fat, they're just judgmental, it's not my fault". That may or may not be the truth, but so long as you have the excuse, you don't have to find out. There are a lot of things about myself & my interactions with other people that I have never wanted to confront, & it is my hope & intention to change that in the next six months.

Why six months you ask? Obviously the assumption would be that with New Year's coming, my intent is to have "lose weight" as yet again a resolution. Yes, & no. I actually will not be starting this journey in conjunction with the new year. 2010 will be the healthiest year of my life, yes, but not because it is just beginning. It is because it is the year I have decided to challenge myself like never before, & unveil myself like never before. No, you will not be seeing my gross bikini pictures as I slowly slim down. I will be taking them, because my greatest difficulty in losing weight is recognizing that it is a process. I need that visual measuring stick to show that I am slowly succeeding, or I will inevitably fail. The unveiling I will do is sharing my fears, my sorrows, my anger, my humiliation, all of it. I will open myself up & although I cannot pretend not to be afraid, it will not stand in my way.

A couple of weeks ago I saw this article in The Idaho Statesman:
"Treasure Valley's 'Biggest Losers' split $10,000 prize"
http://www.idahostatesman.com/1331/story/1008379.html
Basically the Humphreys Diabetes Center sponsored the Treasure Valley Weight Loss Challenge, & beginning January 9th they will be sponsoring another contest to run until June 17th. Because I intend to do my best to win, I will be weighing in monthly through the contest. It costs $50, & for me personally, a whole lot of drive. In addition to the contest requirements, I will be weighing & measuring myself a minimum of every Sunday, & posting those numbers here on my blog. Will it be humiliating? Yeah, most likely, at least for awhile, but you know what? I need that so I don't forget how miserable I am feeling this way.

So here is my disclaimer, for those of you who choose to support me in this endeavor. This blog will be, as I said at the beginning, brutally honest. It will not be politically correct, it will not pretend I don't hate my body the way it is, & it will probably say so repeatedly. I would love all the support I can get obviously, but please don't patronize me. Don't give me platitudes, & don't tell me how I have a beautiful face or how I'm not that fat or anything else. I need HONEST support. I am not healthy, I am not happy, & I don't want anyone telling me otherwise. I will post pictures weekly once the contest begins, & although I have yet to choose my weigh-in outfit I have a pretty good idea of what it will be. If you don't want to see them, well, don't look. I refuse to make any apologies for the way I look, because I am trying to change it. You don't know why I am the way I am, although I imagine your understanding of me will greatly expand through this process, which admittedly also scares me.

Now in closing, to explain why I have chosen to call this journey "Project Bombshell". A close friend of mine told me this summer "You are beautiful. If you lost weight....wow, you would be a bombshell". That may sound like an insult, but it wasn't. He truly believes I am beautiful, but knows I can be more & more importantly, that I want to be. At this point, the days when I agree with him are far too few and far between. So my goal is not only to lose weight, but to watch the fat sweat & cry away (saying it melts away is baloney) & find those things in myself that truly are beautiful. Thank you in advance for your love & support, & here goes everything!!!