Insecure

Now judging this post by the title, you might think it will be really sad, depressing, etc. Actually my intent is for it to be quite the opposite. I have a close friend, one of my closest as Frodo says, "at least for my part". Kyle & I just finished the extended edition "Lord of the Rings" trilogy so deal with my geekiness. :-P Daniel is an awesome guy. We've had a few looooooooong fascinating conversations regarding faith, spirituality, religion, our purpose here on this earth, God's plan for us, who He is, i.e. there's not much we haven't at least touched on. This kid has such a deep conviction of what is right in this world, and he clings to it & fights for it with everything that he is.

I feel so...inadequate being around him. If that sounds like he has a negative influence on me, far from it. It's simply that he has the courage to "live what he knows", & I rarely do. I am such a coward, & I hate it. He never seeks to expose me for it, although I know he must at least think it every once in awhile. Everything that I should be doing as a Latter-Day Saint, he does. Everything that I should emulate, he does. & so often I don't even try to be what & who I know that I am meant to be. Very few people challenge me regarding my beliefs. Most either already know the gist or simply don't ask, & they at least outwardly simply take me as they believe I am.

I phrase that very deliberately because I compartmentalize my life in such an adamant & deliberate way that I am certain no one knows me as well as some might think they do. Am I arrogant in believing I am so complex? Maybe & even probably, but I am so often aware of myself as I do it, shutting down or closing off parts of me, that I know most couldn't possibly see everything. In truth, I don't believe anyone does. I'm just too good at what I do, for better or for worse.

Again, this is NOT a negative post. It's simply a lot of reflections, & as always I want no encouragement or platitudes. I am who I am, & I take full responsibility for that, the negatives anyway. The positives I mostly attribute to others & no, I am not selling myself short. I am aware of myself, my failings, my strengths, everything that I am, in a way that few people are. Again, probably a little arrogant but mostly just aware that I obsess over things so much where most people have better, more productive things to do. I can't seem to help it.

Greg used to accuse me all the time with assertions that I really didn't know who I was or could be. That kid had such an annoying talent for laying me bare. Jerk... But he wasn't far off. I am scarily aware of exactly what I could be. It's cliche & far beyond overused, but Gandhi's commentary on our fears of what we can be is absolutely true. I am so conditioned to failure that I frequently stop myself from even trying. Korey & I have had a few very limited conversations regarding, for lack of a less blunt term, my hypocrisy. Pleeeeeeeease don't attempt to tell me he's wrong because he is not. He is absolutely correct.

I don't exactly feel that I pretend to be something else anymore, at least not often, but I do still feel...fractured much of the time. I remember once that a therapist I spoke with pointed out that just maybe it was possible that instead of all the negative things being the real me, maybe it was the positive. Maybe the real me is the person who loves tickling my nieces and rolling around on the floor with Tyler & singing with Austin at the top of my lungs. I've slowly begun to believe that & to cling to it when I start to feel otherwise. I intend to continue to do so for as long as it takes to get through my thick skull. Unfortunately that is likely to be an infinitely long battle, but one worth fighting.

This is why I hate posting & typically post on my diary page instead of here. My brain could go on forever finding new tangents, new connections, random reflections, etc. In an effort to curb that tendency as much as possible, here I go back to explaining the logic behind my title for this post. Daniel is soooooooo cautious, always absolutely certain he will manage to offend or upset or hurt me without intending to do so. Funny, I'm suddenly reminded of Greg again & that last night... Ugh that sucked. Back on point!!! Yes, I am so much more fragile than your average person could ever realize. I get punched in the face for fun! I must be at least mildly tough right? Fair enough.

To be completely honest, I can't speak about my beliefs with many people, Korey being at the top of the list. I'm not so afraid of offending people.
"He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool." - Brigham Young
I am often stupid, but I like to think that I am rarely a fool. Sometimes admittedly I am a greater fool, but not often a plain old fool. So knowing Daniel as I do & trusting his intentions, I am perfectly fine. I recognize that he has no malice or desire to attack me so I never worry about speaking with him. I trust him, as he deserves.

I remember that obnoxious guy in one of my workshops regarding listening in religious/spiritual situations. He thought he had this brilliant insight when he suggested that people feel attacked when their beliefs are attacked because people consider their beliefs to be directly tied to their own identity. Really??? In his 50+ years, that never occurred to him??? No wonder he was so...frustrating. Obviously not too aware of much of anything. I remembered something today when I got home from speaking with Daniel. I loved my listening classes & workshops & TAing for them. It was fascinating & I like to believe they made me a better person in some small way.

Daniel continually thanks me for talking to him & always comments on how unique it is, even to people who share most or all of his beliefs. I remembered one of the most important things that Jerry ever told us. I took it to heart consider it to be one of the greatest truths I have ever known. He stated that the insecure listener is the worst listener. I am deeply insecure. I have a million reasons in a million ways with a million different roles. I recognize that some are valid while most probably are not.

My point however is this: I am not, have never been, & will never be insecure in what I know to be true. For that reason, I can listen to Daniel all day long & never feel threatened. I believe the same to be true of him. He lives his beliefs & they are at the core of everything that he is. He feels no threat from me because he already knows and is not shaken by anything I might say. Would I like the things that I tell him to resound with him & touch him? Of course, c'mon now. But is that the most important thing? Never. He knows I value him & his beliefs & respect both, despite vast differences. That is what truly matters.

It may be very very bad to assume that the people with whom he attempts to speak are insecure in their beliefs. They could just be used to having to defend what they believe so often that they've coped by refusing to share at all. That is fair, & I am frequently guilty of the same feelings with people I have learned not to trust for whatever reason, or those I simply don't know that I can trust yet. Neither of those apply to him. So at the end of the day, insecure though I may be about my place & purpose & capacity in this crazy way beyond mixed-up world, I know. And that is the core and the heart of the only things that ever will, or ever could, truly matter.

This song has resounded with me since the moment I heard it almost ten years ago. It embodies virtually everything I have said & everything that I try to be, so here it is.