Perspective

Despite getting up much earlier than I like, I started today off in a fantastic way.  In the past several days, I've made significant strides in changing my body.  Probably my greatest frustration in every attempt to lose weight has been my belly fat.  I lose really well in my upper body & horribly on the bottom half.  Now that I'm taking the proper meds (I credit my energy to my thyroid med & my belly fat to my insulin sensitizer), I feel like everything is falling into place.  Since starting the program 2 weeks ago tomorrow, I have lost at least an inch & a quarter off of every measurement in my trunk.  At best I think I used to lose maybe a quarter inch off of a single area in a week or so.  Upper body, no sweat, my ribcage gets pretty small in a hurry.  But I lost 50 pounds, & only went down a single pant size.  That is NOT normal.

So this will be unusually short for one of my blog entries, but suffice it to say it's tax day & I had a really crappy ending to a day that I started off raving about & fairly bouncing off the walls.  I get no credit for deductions which make up 10% of my income for my CBR position.  That's absolutely infuriating.  By the time I paid to have my taxes filed, I ended up on the negative side.  Only by like $30 but still, bull.  But I got on facebook after, & there's my little Emmy Lyn talking about all the people she loves, & it helped pull me back to what matters.

My life is turning around in such a fantastic way.  I've worked 2 twelve-hour days so far this week, & I'm sleepy/tired but totally in control.  I want a nap during the day more than I want to work, but I'm completely capable of completing my responsibilities as necessary without feeling distracted or exhausted or only 70% sure I won't fall asleep mid-sentence.  The goal I was afraid I could never achieve, getting rid of the extra dangerous fat on my abdomen, is coming into focus AND it comes with the most incredible gift: I can function like a real person again!!!  I am so grateful.  I left notes on my parents' mirrors this morning, thanking them because I could not be pursuing this & doing so well without their help.

My life is not perfect.  It's not everything I dream of just yet.  I want a house.  I want a love for eternity.  I want a bajillion gorgeous little children that in some unfathomable way I will manage to love even more than these crazy adorable nieces & nephews of mine.  That's just....unbelievable, & worth waiting as long as my Heavenly Father decides it must take.  I don't want just any man.  I don't want just any children.  I want the family that He has prepared for me, the children He has promised I will be able to guide in His paths.  I used to feel terrified I couldn't have healthy pregnancies/children, & that I wouldn't have the physical ability to care for them the way tiny children desperately need & more importantly deserve.  I am now cautiously optimistic.  I don't want to pretend it'll be easy to get there, but this goal feels achievable in a way that it never has before.  And I am so very deeply grateful.