Dream Big

So today is pretty much fantastic.  I love it.  I've been really anxious to get into Idaho Weight Loss for several months.  I've been knocked flat on my butt right about the two-week mark every time I've put a plan into place to get healthy for the past several years.  If you don't believe me I have witnesses who have seen it happen easily ten times.  The past few years I've felt exhausted, all the time, like I can never get enough sleep.  If I get what should be enough I'm tired.  If I get more than that, tired.  Less, exhausted.  So yeah, been more than a little bit frustrated.

Last year I was so completely worn out I begged my doctor to do every blood test he could think of, because I could feel/see my weight going higher & higher but couldn't muster the energy or motivation to do anything about it.  He found my cholesterol were the opposite of what they should be (good low bad high) & that I was pre-diabetic.  I was crushed.  Not to hear that, duh.  But that was all he had to tell me.  I knew I had a problem which was why I was looking for help.  My thyroid was an issue in my pre-teen years, around the time I started emotionally eating so yeah, very bad.  I've done a lot of research & thought the fatigue & inability to maintain weight loss might be due to a thyroid imbalance again, but when my bloodwork came back it was on the high range of normal.  All he could tell me was "we can look at it again in a year".  I felt like slitting my wrists.  Not like I hated myself, but like I couldn't function & no one could help.

Somehow I survived, but it's gone badly a lot of the time.  I finally got to the point where I had the courage to get a much more damaging addiction under control, which has been a huge cause of shame fueling my negative eating behaviors, specifically alternating starving & bingeing, often a few times a day.  But I've felt like there's something very seriously medically wrong with me.  Like yes, I have bad habits & emotionally eat but also when I lose, it won't come off my gut.  That's freaking dangerous!  Well, I'm finally getting some answers.

I've been trying to get my budget to where I could stomach the max $250 for the initial visit & the $80-100 for each follow-up.  That's been taking forever, & my parents offered to help.  I also got some assistance from some other unexpected areas, including a legacy I've been asked not to share from someone I love very much, my mom finding my Christmas money from a few years ago, & my grandma setting me up for a language study (we didn't even know we'd get paid!) & giving me her payment as well.  I'm crazy loved y'all.

So I juggled everything to get my butt out to the Boise office for the very first appointment they had available.  When I sat down with the PA, she reviewed my history.  When she asked about my thyroid & if it's currently hypo I said no & told her about my experience last year of feeling like something was wrong but my doctor identifying my thyroid as high but normal.  Normal is 80-220.  That's a freaking huge range!  So I was crazy in love with this woman when she said "well normal high is too high for us".  Then she said she thought I had insulin resistance because of some dark skin around my neck?  Totally don't understand that but oh well, happy to feel she knew what she was talking about.

She prescribed a couple things & told me that once my bloodwork came back she thought odds were good they'd prescribe me meds for both my thyroid & insulin resistance.  Yup, she was right, AND the regular program recommends 2000 mg of fish oil & 2000 IU of vitamin D3.  Now if you know me at all, you know me & fish are NOT friends.  So once, knowing the value of omega-3s, I tried fish oil tablets.  I made it all the way from the kitchen to the bathroom in time to throw it back up.  I knew that wasn't going to work out.  Thankfully she said I could substitute flax seed, & once my labs came back they recommended I double my vitamin D-3.  To put it mildly, I feel so much freaking HOPE!!!!!  After years of feeling craptastic, even going under the knife a couple of times to try to fix it, having all these answers & ways to improve my health feels indescribably wonderful.  Can't even put it into words.

Today was kind of rough.  In a positive way if that makes any kind of sense.  I chugged a protein shake (disgusting) & popped a couple meds before my meeting.  Hit my meeting, then the Nampa office to get some meds & get my body composition done.  Holy cow that was freaking awesome!  Oh, & I need to lose fat but I'm buff, so no need to build any more muscle.  :-D  & when I hopped on the machine, we found I'd already lost 1.5.  Tres cool?  I think so!  Then Walmart for my insulin resistance med & all the vitamins, then my parents' house to check my car (stupid check engine light) & fill them in on the program.

As usual, Mom's as big a science geek as me so it was a fun conversation, & she helped me get enough food, though holy cow it took forever.  Eating good stuff is freaking hard!  Seriously!  Very filling very fast.  And my daddy checked all my fluids & my light's off so hopefully it's all better!  Such as the poor thing is for how much I abuse it for all my work.  So after like an hour I got all that food down, then one client (don't ask how many times I hit the bathroom.  My client's mom gave me a weird look) & chugged another nasty shake on my way to client two.  I'm never going to like that.  Quite positive.

Then home where I again choked down a bunch of food & took all but my last med for the day (that one's on an empty stomach) & signed up for the free 30-day trial of daily burn on my roku.  My OCD masochist brain says I should commit to an hour a day but honestly, that's just mean.  I work really hard.  So for now, 15 minutes a day is going to have to be enough unless there's special stuff which is always totally cool.  Heck I haven't even done it yet today & it's a quarter after midnight but I'm going to get this thing started off right so as soon as I finish this, on comes the workout.  Seriously, tennis shoes & gym pants already on.  I'm trying to have reasonable expectations, like the short intense workout & having shakes at times when I can't possibly manage a meal, but I'm so freaking excited & happy!  This won't be easy & holy cow I'm full (funny since myfitnesspal app thinks I'm starving myself) but it's going to work.  & the idea of all those fantasies in my head coming true, ever, is fabulous.

Here's the thing (you thought I was almost done?  Yeah me too.  Crap) - I have dreams of fitting into a gorgeous wedding dress & only thinking my pictures look fat from those weird angles where everyone does, & my husband being able to pick me up & twirl me around.  I dream about being pregnant & only getting the belly - never going to happen, we've all seen my boobs/hips/butt - & being so healthy my kids aren't born programmed for obesity.  Those things....I want them desperately.  But the things also so very high on my list are things other people take for granted, like not wondering if the intense nausea every morning is going to end with me kneeling over the toilet, or knowing when I go to bed that when I wake up 8.5 hours later, I'll feel ready to go instead of ready to cry.  I'm not sure those are all possible exactly the way I imagine them, but I know my body wasn't designed to suck like this.  & I have faith that if I keep doing what I'm guided to do & refuse to become distracted or discouraged, the important ones will come true in the best possible way.  I can't wait.....



Kudos to Kylee Jean's buddy Emily for writing one of my favorite anthems ever!!!