Progress, Not Perfection

So the past 126.5 days, I've had a very specific goal in mind.  I've known a lot of other things in my life need to be addressed as well, but nothing else was as important as getting to a place of stability in that area.  I don't regret that choice.  This maintenance period isn't as easy as I've expected.  This has been a lifelong battle, so I don't think I had any unrealistic expectations in terms of the temptations suddenly disappearing. The difference this time has been recognizing tools I already use in my profession & teach my clients, especially replacement behaviors.  I have the science as well, & expected that after the 90-day detox period it would be easier.  It feels almost like it's been the opposite, but I'll keep on keepin' on & someday it'll be (almost) like it was never an issue at all.

The problem now on my plate (metaphorically & literally hahahaha) is that after the first couple of weeks, I lapsed on the positive replacement behaviors & my stress eating went through the roof.  They say that's pretty typical, people quitting smoking gaining tons of weight, etc.  My goal of course was that I wouldn't go down that road.  I did well for the first little bit, truly.  I was reaching out to others, owning my feelings, all that jazz.  The hard truth is that there is no immediate cure for some pains.  There is resting in it & recognizing that it's the reason you want to feel numb, & then there's finding a way to numb it.  I'm working on the spiritual solutions but frankly, those are really challenging for me.

I have never been one to be deluded about how healthy I am or am not.  I convince myself that I'm different than all the other fat kids because I can do more than they can.  That's not entirely untrue.  In my experience, I can do a lot of things that people my size/weight often can't.  I can't do them as well as I could if I were fit, but I have been blessed to be pretty muscular no matter what my size.  That being said, I am horribly unhealthy.  I know that.  I've known that for a looooooooooooooooooooong time.  I keep hitting new highs (yet again today, I weight the most I have EVER weighed in my entire life) & thinking "yeah, I should really do something about that.....later, when I want to do it".

People talk a lot about life changes & tend to quote Nike with the whole "just do it"!  I don't disagree with them, but I have found that when my life changes really kick in & stick, there's something in my heart/mind/body/ that says "YES.  THIS is the time to make this change".  It's both an intellectual decision as well an emotional one.  There has to be the drive to change inside as well as the mental recognition that it is a necessity.  As I keep feeling the desire to return to my old life & all the crap that felt so much easier, I sometimes really question if I'm any different now.  Sometimes, the most I can tell myself is "maybe not, but I have the potential for my life to be more.  I didn't have that then".  True or not, that's the way it goes.

I've been feeling pretty desperate to get my physical health rolling, but also concerned because I know that I can only juggle so many things before one slips & I know what matters most must come first.  I have a lot of excuses for all the reasons I'm unhealthy.  I'm an insomniac, so working out is hard because I can't get my butt to bed early enough to get my butt OUT of bed.  I'm paying off medical bills & student loans, which are a higher priority than paying for the gym.  Whenever I get on a regular exercise schedule, I get knocked flat on my back within the first month.  My body's just weird that way.  I really want to go to a doctor who specializes in medical weight loss, but I can't afford it right now.  I get so sick in the mornings that one bite of breakfast sends me running for the bathroom.  I work so late (8-9PM) every weeknight that a reasonable food cutoff at night is nearly impossible.  So those are a start for why I've avoided starting all of this.

I stand by all of those excuses.  I need to get my finances in a better situation.  I need to (at minimum) maintain the health that I have now.  My jobs are vital & I need to do them to the best of my ability.  HOWEVER.  The fact that I can't commit to a meal plan which breaks down into six small meals a day, or go to the gym 2-3 hours a day like I would like has no bearing on my ability to change SOMETHING.  Big changes have big results.  Big results are awesome.  I've had them before.  But I didn't maintain them.  So here is my proposition: I am setting five small goals, which I feel that I can maintain if I commit to them.  My 29th birthday is just over a month away.  I am committing to making these five goals work, & I am creating a game plan for HOW to make them work because obviously that's the most important part.

1. I will consume nothing but water after 10PM.  
1. Some days I don't get off work until 9 so this will be tight, but I'm allowing myself the slight leeway to not START eating anything after 10PM.  If I get home at 9:45 as sometimes happens, I'm allowed to make a sandwich & eat it.  Just none of this "popcorn & soda at midnight" nonsense anymore.
2. I will not drink soda, especially caffeine.
1. I have 2 partially full bottles of Mountain Dew at home.  I will finish those because otherwise they'll hang over my head.  Healthy or not, whatever.  But there are plenty of healthy drinks, many I already have in my home, that will fit the bill just fine.  This also requires that I bring at least one water bottle with me for work, because when I get tired I want a drink to keep me going.
3. I will drink a minimum of 50 ounces of water a day.
1. This actually isn't that difficult for me.  I tend to go through at least a 20 ounce bottle of water, especially on days when I'm working at home.  So now I'll just make sure that I always have water in reach, & since I have tons of water bottles in my fridge this is totally doable.
4. I will consume 2 tablespoons of coconut oil a day, as well as pulling oil in the mornings.
1. This has a few reasons behind it.  Weight Watchers recommends this amount of healthy oils for daily consumption when dieting so I have done this in the past & know it to be a sound practice.  
2. The rumor online is that coconut oil is the best oil for reducing belly fat, which is by far my biggest problem area.  A study I read found that people lost the same amount of weight, but saw either an increase or no change in belly fat when using the non-coconut oil but a decrease in those who had coconut.  
3. (Again a rumor) coconut oil pulling gets rid of bacteria in your teeth and can actually rebuild your teeth.  My teeth SUCK.  I currently have 2 major cavities & another tooth with a filling that wiggles around in there (gross I know).  I also have ground my teeth an insane amount over the years, so they need some serious help.  As previously mentioned, I don't have the money lying around to fix them.  I recognize this could all be crap, but the information I have says it's worth the month trial.  SO today after work I will be going to buy some & giving it a try.
5. I will eat breakfast every morning I have to be up for work.
1. This is another time when I have to recognize the reality of my situation & work around it.  Breakfast makes me ill.  Eating it usually takes an hour or more.  Most non-work mornings I wake up with just enough time to get ready & get out the door.  Fortunately for me I work from home 2+ mornings a week, which gives my stomach the time it needs to settle when I get up.  
2. I'm also hopeful that in some way I don't really understand (& also haven't found indicated), the oil pulling before breakfast will get rid of bacteria which could in some abstract & potentially imagined way contribute to me feeling gross.
3. I have gotten a big can of my nine-grain childhood breakfast from my parents, which cooks, refrigerates & lasts well over a week.  So my plan is to cook it up once or twice a week as needed, reheat it when I get up in the mornings, & eat.  Double win since I'll be eating breakfast AND starting my day with something that should be quite effective in jump-starting my metabolism.

None of these goals seem huge or likely to cause great changes in my health.  Honestly, they probably won't.  I'm hopeful, but I also recognize the reality that it's unlikely.  So while I do have high hopes that these small changes will cause subconscious improvements (less cravings for crappy food/healthier choices, improved sleep patterns, etc.), my biggest goal is to set in place positive habits upon which I can continue to build.  I can't instantly change my morning nausea (maybe never).  I can't instantly get rid of all my debt & find the money for a doctor to REALLY kick this into great.  I can't change the fact that most often the food choices available to me at normal dinner times are horribly unhealthy & might be the best I can do some days.  But I can get started.  So I am.  Wish me luck!

P.S. I'm hoping my mom can measure me in the next day or two, & I've recorded my weight on my phone but for now at least I don't intend to share those numbers.  I'm sure that will change eventually as the progress comes.  :-D

P.P.S.  When I posted this I suddenly realized I never stated the "kick in the butt" which prompted me to accept the small goals I can make now rather than bemoan all the grand goals I have in my head but can't achieve.  My mom took pictures & a video of me & my youngest niece Emery last night.  They should've been adorable but instead I nearly threw up seeing how horrible I look.  I didn't want to post them so no one would know how horribly fat I am, except here's the rub: everyone sees, all the time!  So here goes step #1.