No Power in the 'Verse Can Stop Me

So I've been struggling a lot lately.  They say to change your habits takes 90 days of practicing the new habit.  With all the things that I have been changing in my life, that was my goal.  Make it to 90 days.  Well, as of 15 minutes ago I've been living this change for 110 days now so I've reached that goal.  That is fantastic, no question.  I'm psyched, thrilled, amazed, any word you want to use that's positive probably applies to my current situation.  HOWEVER.  The things that I've chosen to sacrifice have been ridiculously difficult for me to give up.  I've tried many times over the past couple of decades.  They worked for me.  Not in a healthy way, but coping skills develop for a reason & they're hard to change, even when you know that it's absolutely vital.

I have a couple of close friends going through a similar transition.  Unlike me, they have husbands, children, tangible goals to keep in mind when changing becomes difficult.  Though I have been greatly blessed with wonderful family & friends, I don't have the same perspective to keep me in line.  I'm giving up all of these things that have "worked" for me for as long as I can remember.  While I can't say that I have nothing to show for it, most of it is still hanging on promises of eventual blessings that I cannot yet see.  No Prince Charming has shown up to say "I'm so happy you're finally becoming exactly what I've always prayed I'd one day find".  Actually, throughout this process the man who helped me to believe this dream was possible has left my life.  I am grateful to him & I wish him the best.  I'm not much closer to my lifelong dream of being a mother, though I have always known that because of my personal values I would have to strengthen my faith & live a life more synonymous with my beliefs in order to get there so that does make a difference.

I guess....even though I know the truth, in that place that goes deeper than knowledge I sometimes feel such intense fear that all of this will be for nothing.  Yes, I know that is not true.  But in my gut, it's as if I'm putting absolutely everything on the line, trusting the game show host who is telling me "pick this door!  This is the only way that you will get everything you have ever wanted!  But you won't see it until it's done...."  That host is my Heavenly Father, & in my mind I trust His promises.  I read those promises over & over again, & I trust that He is telling me the truth.  But I don't know when the day will come that the faith "pays off".  I don't know when I'll stop feeling so alone & have someone with whom I can take on the world, shape our life together, create children, all those things I've always dreamed I would have if I could just somehow get beyond my own crap.

I'm listening to this song that has always been one of my favorites, but never a concept with which I am comfortable.  I love to have all of the answers.  I love to plan.  I do it obsessively.  But God doesn't work that way, because the rewards don't feel like rewards when they're just dumped in our laps.  We can't truly appreciate the things for which we never fought.  "If we are patient, we will see how the pieces fit together in harmony.  We'll know who we are....and then we'll live with Him, forever....But until it happens, line upon line".

I have been both blessed & cursed with a tremendously loving family.  I know, that sounds horrible.  But having a family of siblings who have been so fortunate to be blissfully (though of course imperfectly) in love, with the most wonderful, beautiful children anyone could ever hope to have, well, it makes it hard not to have that.  I love being an aunt.  I love that I can devote so much time to my parents & brothers & sisters & nieces & nephews, especially those that I know need extra love & attention.  & sitting in church today with a niece on each arm it occurred to me that not only do I need my own growth before it's time, but maybe they still need me too.  & that is okay.  I can wait, if it's for them.

The thing is, my sister Amber went through more than I could ever fathom surviving to have the beautiful family that she now shares with my brother.  She & Barrett spoke in church today & my mom & I got to entertain their girls.  On my best days I'm "straightforward", but I have always been in awe of Amber's willingness to tell it like it is.  She feels no guilt or shame, no fear to say "I was married, & divorced, & I hate having no money".  She has faith I could only aspire to one day have, but given what it cost her to get there I'm not sure I want it.  But listening to her tell her story of desperately praying for someone to love both her & her daughters, begging the Lord for her innocent little girls to finally have the daddy they deserve, it hit me harder than ever before.  I teared up more than a little bit.

If there is anyone on this earth who can testify to me of good things coming after the trial of our faith, it is my sister Amber and, as Amber frequently referenced, my mother.  Good things are coming.  Great, amazing, life-changing things have come & will continue to come, regardless of my fears if I continue to act in faith.  It's not easy.  Some days it's hellaciously hard.  I can't (or won't) lie.  Watching the people I love most have the things that I want most?  I'm thrilled for them but also desperate for me.  But I guess that's the point.  If I weren't desperate, I wouldn't be on the path to finally have these things.  This is long & rambling & I wish I'd written most of it in church like I had planned but the bottom line is this:

I am not yet who I want to be.  I am not yet who God means for me to become.  I have eternity to get there, & that means that just like He has promised, all things will come in the timing which will best facilitate my growth and happiness.  I will be happy.  I will understand.  I will be sealed to the man of my dreams, for time and all eternity.  I will be a healthy, loving, firm, and unfortunately imperfect mother of children who we will raise up together to our God, so that they can go on & likewise obtain all of those blessings that their Father has promised to them, that he promises them even as we speak.  I think of my children "up there", learning & growing in their spiritual state until the time their father & I are ready to take over on this earth.  I can't wait for that day, but I will because the God of heaven & earth has promised that I will have it all.  And in the immortal words of River Tam (or Joss Whedon ;-D), "no power in the 'verse can stop me!"