Say Something

In my last relationship, I felt so grateful to have such clear guidance in what I should do.  I didn't know why.  It took me a long time to act on that guidance, because I didn't trust myself.  Once I decided that the why didn't matter because I was absolutely certain what needed to be done, there were suddenly more whys than I could have imagined existed.  The answers came to me once I chose to act in faith on the answer which I had already received.

I'm coming to a very surprising conclusion.  The times of certainty are incredibly challenging later on.  It creates almost a paralysis of analysis.  I've always loved that phrase, especially given how accurately it describes the state in which I often find myself.  I assumed that because I could so clearly tell when something was wrong, that I could also do the opposite.  I felt absolutely certain in the decisions I was making.  Some, even most of them, I continue to remain steadfast in that certainty.  Decisions that I have made lately have been the most selfish decisions, in the most healthy way possible, that I have ever made in my entire life.

I'm not good at choosing myself.  I used to think I didn't know how.  But I've started to give it a try & while I'm not a huge fan right now, I quite like my picture of what my life will become if I continue to do whatever it takes to get myself healthy.  So now I'm doing my best to figure out how to do that.  I got what feels to me to have been a huge sign.  I'm not sure how to explain it.  Two close friends announced their pregnancies to me today.  My entire life, I have wanted nothing more than to be a mother.  I think I'm learning that whatever it takes to get there, I need to do.  So in the near future, I think I'm going to have to make some rather serious choices to be certain that my life will be everything I want it to be, at least so far as it is within my control.  God's promised to take charge of the rest.