Expectations

So for starters I'd like to tell everyone, partially including myself, to BACK OFF.  Now.  To be clear, I'm not terribly interested in just saying back off but....I'm being slightly deferential.  A few people in my life know the massive task I have undertaken recently.  So given that they have been entrusted with that very delicate knowledge, my thought would be that they should be a bit more....compassionate, patient, respectful, however you want to define that.  Do I need to be treated with kid gloves?  Nope, this is real life & I have to handle it.  That being said, if I'm taking on something I've never managed to beat in my whole life, MAYBE I need a bit more tolerance in the rest of my life.  But ya know, that's just a maybe.

I am not perfect.  My family is not perfect.  My relationship is not perfect.  Guess what.  I'm learning that fact is frustrating, but acceptable because it's the whole reason I'm here.  I'm used to being misunderstood, which is one of the biggest reasons I have to take on this challenge now.  I never wanted to trust anyone, or get close to anyone in a healthy but also dangerous way, in that it requires being vulnerable.  So I gave myself other options, which turned out to be far more dangerous than the "regular way".  I know people aren't perfect.  But the thing is, more than ever I'm trying to live my life the way God wants me to do.  So when I've made someone more aware of that than probably anyone has a right or reason to expect, I suppose I expect them to respect that.  I've made a lot of choices lately.  All of them, to the best of my knowledge and ability, have been what He wanted me to do.

I don't like sharing things with people.  In my world I've learned that people aren't safe.  People are fallible, yes, but more accurately people are volatile & emotionally dangerous.  I somehow fell into my job, which requires that I work with some of the most socially-functional, emotionally dangerous people there are out there.  Truly, I am often blown away at how horrible people can be.  I'm not saying people are treating me like that.  I am saying that wow, it's funny how quickly people feel entitled to have not just opinions but actual directives on how I choose to live my life because I choose to welcome them into my internal turmoils.  I am living the best life I have EVER lived, so I must be doing something right.  So I will continue to do so, & I will be much more careful about who I include in those decisions.  That may sound juvenile or bitter but I really don't care.  I want to be well & more importantly I WILL be well, whatever that takes.