Ode to My Man

So....this is going to be one of those entries that make sense to very few people.  Some things need to be said to my boyfriend, & I figure maybe if other people can read them too, he'll know I mean them.  That being said, the reasons I won't be around to reassure him for awhile, among other things, I won't be clarifying for anyone.  If you don't understand something I'm sorry but at least for now, it will remain that way so please don't ask.  But of course, as always, feel free to read because hopefully it'll be clear how blessed I feel these days.

Matthew,

The past week and a half have been hard on us, especially on you.  The quest for love is, by definition, terrifying.  It seems especially so for people like us, who have been deeply hurt by people we have trusted.  And the type of love I'm asking you to take a risk on has the potential to hurt you more than any other has so far.  I know that, because I feel it too.  I'm not perfect sweetheart.  I can't pretend that I won't hurt you, because I know that I will and already have in some ways.  And if we continue to grow together, I know there will be days where we both hurt each other more than we thought possible.  That's just the reality of choosing a single person, to love and grow with every single day for the rest of eternity.

I'm sorry I have to leave you alone for a little while.  I can't possibly express to you what it means to me that you understand why I have to go, and what me going will potentially mean to me and to us should we move forward.  I know that so many things I did before we met have hurt you.  I can't lie and say that I didn't know they would at the time, or at least that they would deeply impact whoever I eventually marry.  I can only say that at the time, I truly did the best I could with the strength that I had within me.  I'm not sure how, but knowing you I have greater strength and motivation to improve my life and myself than I have ever before had in my life.  I desperately wish I could have an equally positive influence on you.

I've told you many times that I'm not certain we are "meant to be" together.  What I may or may not have told you is the fact that I don't even believe in such a thing.  I know I have told you that love and marriage are a choice, and you make a choice and move forward with it until/unless God directs you to another path.  I've told you I've already made that choice, in you.  That being said, I can't tell you that you should choose me.  I can only tell you that since choosing you, when I've chosen to ignore all the reasons my little mortal brain thinks we can't work, I've felt great peace.

I wish you could see everything that I see in you.  You're not perfect either, but that only seems to bother you.  Why you would think I would want or expect that I will never know.  Sometimes I feel how much you've been hurt and it guts me that you are so far away.  I don't like it, at all.  I just want to hold you, tell you that everything will be okay.  Obviously it won't always be okay but I am absolutely positive that it will ultimately be fabulous for both of us, preferably (in my book at least) together.  I am so proud of you for the things you are trying to do, and that you were humble enough to take all the steps that you have so far.

You have so much faith baby.  I wish you could see that.  I was so afraid to go talk to my bishop, and you were certain it would be wonderful.  Neither of us imagined just how amazing it would be, but you were certain he would be loving and compassionate and helpful and you were so very right.  Calling you after was so amazing.  I mean I did have to harass you a bit for some assumptions that bit you, but I love that we can play that way.  I appreciate that you let me tease you sometimes.

I worry about leaving you for awhile.  I've learned I don't like being without you.  Though....I hope that maybe me being gone will have the opposite affect of the one I fear.  I hope that somehow, going without talking to me for days when we've spoken hours every day since we "met" will solidify our relationship for you.  I hope that it will alleviate all those fears, or at least put them into perspective.  I believe there will always be fears.  But....we can either be ruled by our fears or our faith.  We can't have both sweetheart.  & I fear being without you more than I do being with you.  So please don't forget me while I'm gone, because I'll be thinking about you and praying for you (almost) the whole time.  I will be awfully busy after all.