I'm Asking

I wonder how many people in this world have made true sacrifices.  Seen something they want or even already have, & known that for whatever reason, they must give it up.  This is never more difficult when the thing for which we sacrifice is a future event, only hoped for, ached for, promised.  I don't think I believed that getting sober would just make everything I've ever wanted magically appear, but I know that I had this naive assumption that sobriety would put me firmly on the path towards all my dreams coming true: eternal marriage, children, all the cliches that I've longed for forever.  I'm not stupid.  Of course I recognize that being sober is the only way I will ever have these things.  I just hoped they would come sooner.

When I got sober, my dating future was kind of precarious.  I was dating a wonderful man, but my entry into rehab came just over a week after an absolutely disastrous visit, where I think we both came to be fairly certain that our relationship continuing would require drastic changes that he wasn't willing to make.  Eh, he probably thought I expected too much.  It makes me sad he thought being mistreated was somehow acceptable, ever.  But anyway, the night before I left rehab, after I got my phone back, I sat in the bathroom telling him all about the experience.  He was devastated when I shared the amazing experience of relating things I had never told anyone to my group.  Suddenly the life-changing experience had me bawling & even more convinced that my relationship would soon be over.  He wasn't quite wrong.  He'd been very brave & determined in sharing things with me he'd never shared with anyone else.  But I was right.  I was willing to give everything to be better.  He, as wonderful & supportive as he was, was not.  He's married now & I hope as happy as he deserves to be.

As hard as it was for things to end with Matthew when they had such a promising beginning, I honestly think I was fairly certain that, like his, my "happily ever after" was just around the corner, that we were both the other's catalyst.  I can readily admit that he was mine & given the timing of his marriage, I probably was his as well.  He was the one who helped me acknowledge that I had to to get out to get up.  Once I was willing to say "I don't know how or where but this is what I know I need", I walked into my very next therapy appointment & received a brochure which pointed me in the right direction.  I talked to my dad, contacted the office about payment plans, & within a few days I was set to go.

I guess I need to get better about doing that with my dating/marriage.parenthood fears & wishes as well.  I know what I want.  I know where I want to be.  The past few days I've taken another huge step towards that.  Well, tiny for most, but huge for me.  The night before I returned to school my dad gave me a blessing.  I internally pleaded for some indication of "absolutely, this is the right choice, you'll help so many on this path" or "hang in there, I promise he is on his way".  Yeah, none of that for me.  But he did state that as I read my scriptures & turn to my Heavenly Father in prayer, I will be guided.  That's fair, right?

The thing is, prayer & scripture, reaching out for help & guidance, those things have always been so intensely challenging for me.  I was always a smart kid.  I always (sort of) understood that trials are the point of this life.  We're here to be tested, & sometimes God lets us suffer so that we can grow.  Somehow when I was a child & things got really, really hard, I twisted this in my mind & especially in my heart.  I taught myself to believe that there was no point in talking to God because He would only help others.  He couldn't love me or He would make me strong enough to fix things, make my family not hurt so deeply.  He didn't.  I can't pretend to have much hope that I'll be able to reconcile all of that while in mortality.  There's just too much.

I've always felt like a hypocrite when I pray.  I don't (even now most of the time) believe that God will help me, so I feel like the world's biggest liar asking.  I've often welcomed blessings from my father & priesthood leaders because it allows for an intermediary with greater faith than mine to ask for the help I need.  But this time I decided that as much as I shudder at the concept, I will "fake it till I make it".  I know God is there.  I know (though I struggle to believe/feel) that He loves me.  I know that He has promised to be there.  I know that He has promised me other blessings that I want & more importantly need, desperately.  He's made it clear those come through Him.  So I'll keep asking & working on believing, until someday I do.