Soulmates

soul mate

a person with whom one has a strong affinity, 

shared values and tastes

affinity

a natural liking for or attraction to a person

inherent likeness or agreement; 

close resemblance or connection

Some people in your life, they have this gift.  They come into your life and you'd swear they've always been there (maybe they really have).  They enter your heart and what's more, they become your heart.  It's not just that you can't imagine your life without them.  It's that your life would hold so little meaning without them in it.  What would be the point?  And then, one day, you prove that.  For reasons that may or may not make sense, to you, to them, you go it alone.  You find out exactly how much they shape your life, how much they shape you.  You grow, in some absolutely vital ways.  But in other ways you shrink, become less, forget who you are, were, whatever that means.

I haven't been as fortunate as many, but I know, because they've told me, that I'm so much more blessed than so many.  I haven't had many people in my life to whom this applies.  I have an amazing family, & I am infinitely grateful for them.  But I need these people.  Maybe I can't have them anymore.  I can't know for sure, not yet.  I have to try.  I can't give up.  I have worked so hard for my life to be everything that I want.  Most of it hasn't shown up yet.  The things I want most desperately still seem a million miles away.  But I don't think I can live under the assumption that getting there will require the sacrifice of nearly everything and everyone that I cherish.

I can't see the future.  God has made me so many promises, & I'm too weak or afraid or impatient or all of the above to believe they will ever come.  But always and forever my future has, in my vision, included them.  I can't believe that the only way to be happy is to be indefinitely miserable.  I can't let go.  I'm an addict.  I can't just float around, feeling alone, hoping it won't backfire.

I've had to explain something very hard to a new friend.  None of us were ever meant to be interchangeable or replaceable.  We're worth so much more than that.  So whatever or whoever God sends my way, they will always be there.  I have always known that, with everything that I am.  So if they're not, then who am I?  What am I?  Could the deepest, most authentic, safest places I've called home really become such a danger?  Maybe, but isn't it my choice to allow that?  My addiction did this.  I have to believe that my love, my faith, my affinity will be enough, if I'm willing to tell the whole truth.  I have to try, or all that I've ever known is lost.  

I wish I could be less dramatic, but I'm only telling the truth.  I know where I feel at home.  I know that safe place.  And I will do whatever it takes to make it safe again.  I've sacrificed too much.  I can't sacrifice them.  I can't.  I don't believe in putting conditions on God, but I believe that if He somehow told me "this is the only way.  This is how you get everything you've ever wanted," that I would find a way.  But everything I have ever wanted has always, on the periphery, included them.  Don't make me let go.  Please, let me try.  Please, let me succeed.