Choosing to Be Present (For The First Time in Forever)

So much of successful recovery is a recognition of the importance of being an active participant in your life, or at least an increased desire to get to that place.  I don't think it's something you can just do or be right away, but maybe that's not the case for others.  I can only speak for myself & those who have been brave enough to take this journey with me.  I have come so far!!!!  I'm not sure I can even begin to describe it.

The past few weeks have been...well let's be honest it's me so I'll be blunt: they've felt awfully similar to my own personal definition of hell.  Two of my most reliable long-distance cheerleaders have passed from my view, and I've never been one to have those afterlife feelings, feeling the presence of the other side, etc.  I'm very intuitive so maybe that will change some day.  So far, while I know they are never truly gone & in fact are more themselves now than ever, they feel gone.  And at our core, I believe we are what we feel.  Maybe that's why I've always struggled to confidently stand behind who I am, because I learned that feeling wasn't safe.

I can't lie.  Love and feelings in general still feel terribly unsafe.  Hahahaha yes I realize the inherent contradiction there.  Oh well.  But here's the thing: when I lost my sister, when I feared losing my daddy, I spiraled.  I ran.  I put on the good face, did everything I could to be there for everyone, & hid in my addiction in complete and utter terror.  Here's the amazing thing this month has taught me: I.  Love.  My.  Life.

My life lacks many of the things I always dreamed I would have & though those promises have been made & I'm learning to trust the One who made them, I can't deny that for all my little mortal self knows, they will not come to fruition in this life.  That would suck.  I ache for all those things.  When Amber became pregnant with Everett knowing this would be her last pregnancy, while absolutely thrilled I was also devastated to realize we would never be pregnant together.  I wanted to share that experience with my sister.

I'm exhausted, constantly.  I'm on the go, always.  My doctor asked me today if I like being busy as I am & I had to be truthful & say that I hate it.  I hate constantly feeling wired & criticizing myself if I dare to sit still for a moment without a text book on my lap and a highlighter in my hand.  I watched "Roswell" last night with Barrett & Amber while doing my progress notes & homework, & I was irritated with myself.  What.  The.  Crap???  Talk about unfair.  Yesterday I had a four-hour grad school interview, made lunch for myself & my niece, worked one job for 3 hours, gave a presentation in class, worked another job for 2 hours, & then took half a break by spending time with my family WHILE doing all this other stupid crap.  By the end of it my day was 8AM-12AM.  Seriously?!

So no, my life is not what I want it to be.  In an ideal world, I'd have never become an addict.  But then my dream career wouldn't exist, so I'll strike that notion.  So ignoring that my ideal reality would not include me being an addict, here goes: I would have an eternal marriage, imperfect but always growing & changing.  I would have children, always thought I'd have a bunch but who knows there.  I would be through grad school & a fabulous counselor.  I would help others overcome their addictions with empathy born of experience, maybe by having one or two days a week where my children get grandma or auntie time, or REALLY amazing, by going back to "rehab" a few weeks out of the year to work with women in the same pain that I once was.

That is not my life right now.  But when metaphorical shoes kept dropping these past couple of weeks, when people I loved kept dying, Jamie, Blake & Brittany's baby, Julie, I.  Was.  Here.  I cried when I learned Julie was gone, & accepted the offer of a priesthood blessing, choosing to share my pain rather than bury it.  I went to Jamie's funeral & cried, oh so much.  I held Sara.  I found pictures for the display table, & teased Bentley, Brevik, & Daxton.  I reconnected with Alicia, & told her the truth, minus irrelevant details.  I shared my shock at Brittany's miscarriage with Barrett & Amber, & agreed with my dear sisters-in-law's observations that it was all too much - Amber's after the miscarriage, & Tricia's after Julie's death.

The craziest (and most amazing) part  in all of this?  So little of it even had to be a choice!  Yes, when I found out Julie was gone I debated telling Barrett & Amber myself because it would be hard.  Yes, when I saw Rowan & later Emmalynne & finally Garion, I felt like I had been kicked in the gut.  I saw everything "good enough" that I had sacrificed for the best life that has not yet materialized & again, may not in a timing that I can understand.  But I told my sisters.  I texted Tricia.  I told Amber & Sephora.  I didn't shut down, & I didn't lock it away.  Maybe it'll take a long time before it doesn't even occur to me to close off.  But it NEVER occurred to me to even consider risking losing everything.  As much as it hurts, & oh my word does it ever hurt, this is my life.  I'm never giving it up again.



Don't worry.  It's mostly the beginning to which I relate, understanding that my family was probably much more aware of how thoroughly I shut them out than I ever believed, & reminding me to constantly choose whatever path leads me to hold open the door to the people I love.