When I Find You

I've been having this strange feeling, just the past couple of months.  I can sense someone is missing.  Not the same way I have before, feeling lonely & recognizing that when we have family movie nights or dinners or walks, that I'm the one with no one to snuggle.  Well, when Allie's away anyway, though she doesn't always like to volunteer for snuggle duty.  It's different lately.  I can feel him.  Not as much as I want to, obviously.  But I can sense that HE is missing, & not just "I'm missing having someone there".  Things happen sometimes, & I can feel that he's the one I want to call.  Good things, bad things, I can almost feel him.  I know he's there.  Maybe that's the point of eternity?  I don't know.  I'm not saying I know him already.  It could come back to bite me of course, but I don't think that I do.  It could just be that I'm not quite ready to know him THAT way, see that man in him, but I don't think so.

Anyway, my wonderful cousin, who has been such an epic support this past month, sent me this song.  I love it, though of course the extension of it, the idea that I won't be okay until I find him, is an entirely different issue.  I just have this sense that even though life won't be perfect & a lot of times will probably be even harder than it is now, it'll somehow make sense.  I'll understand why it took so long, for both of us.  I'll understand who we had to become in order to be what we need to be for each other.  Maybe that's a bit fantastical, but he's coming.  I just wish he'd hurry up.



Life has been really rough lately.  Obviously, I've lost two aunts I love dearly.  I never had the time to mourn them properly because let's be honest, how do you begin to do that?  Time.  There's no such thing as enough time to not hurt over the loss of people you love.  With all the stress of my health & my jobs this week, I even found myself envying Julie a bit, that she had so much love in such a short time & now she understands it all.  Not that I wish I were dead, just envious of many of the things that means & so many experiences she was blessed to have that I haven't yet.  It's almost more exhausting that I feel the pieces are ready to fall into place, because I keep feeling it & it keeps not happening.  I got into my program and I am SO GRATEFUL, but also terrified.  It's tons of money & tons of time.  I want to do this.  I want to help people like me.  But I also always knew that I was sent here to be a mother.  That's what I want, with all of my heart.  And my Heavenly Father keeps saying "no".  Some days that breaks my heart.  But the more I learn, the more certain & excited I become of the path I'm on, at least professionally.  It will all come together.  It will all fit, someday.


I had my second of six temple prep classes today.  I've committed to myself that even if I'm deathly ill, I will not miss temple prep.  I tested that a few times today.  I don't know when I'll feel secure in taking out my endowments, but my dear sweet teacher (known her for, oh, about forever) was so wonderfully inspired.  She doesn't know I'm an addict, let alone what is a struggle for me specifically.  But she talked about a convert from her mission who was quitting smoking, & how much support she needed.  She noted that giving up something like that, something you so desperately need, couldn't possibly be for the praise of others.  I took that a step further in my head, recognizing that addiction is at it's most powerful when you are alone so others can't possibly know what you've given up.  And she said how (hoping I'm paraphrasing more or less accurately here) she thought that the decision to give up something you need so much must be a sign of how much you love God.  Again, she has no idea that I'm an addict.  But oh my, how amazing that was to hear, because it still doesn't feel true, but I know it must still BE true & I'm just not ready yet to believe it of myself.  Awesome girl.

"Saturday's Warrior" has always been one of my absolute favorite movies.  I do think a lot of it was the desperate desire of a lonely, isolated child who hoped someone somewhere had once promised to search the world over for her, who was somehow always aware of her & missing her.  I don't believe that anymore, though I do believe firmly that our Heavenly Father directs some lives more than others because of who we need to become & the specific experiences & supports we need to end up there.  I KNOW it will take an amazing, scary unique man to be my partner along the path that lies ahead.  That's intimidating but...also awesome!

Anyway, every once in awhile I can feel "something at the gate, rushing through".  Every painfully rare once in awhile, I get a glimpse of who I was, who I REALLY am (beyond all my insecurities & bs), & who my Father intends for me to be.  I recognize that the choice is one I may have to make on an hourly basis & even minute by minute some days, but I've MADE the choice.  I am two weeks shy of a full year of sobriety.  WHAT?!?!?!?  That makes me miss my girls like crazy, but I'm hoping to see them all again by next year at the latest.  Sometimes I need their strength.  But the thing is, sometimes I feel him.  I feel our children.  I feel that eternal family, eternal happiness & progression that has been promised to me.  And I remember.  And I stand again, and once again move forward.