This New Life (That We Might Choose)

Amazing party with the family tonight (minus Allie & Sephy & Ryan).  It means EVERYTHING to be able to openly & honestly celebrate my successes with them.  You see, I've been sober a year today.  That seems unfathomable to me, looking back over that old life where I could never be free, never feel safe, or loved, or understood.  I'm not all the way there yet & I especially suck at the feeling loved part, but I'm working on it.  & I'm so grateful.  My sister said how hard it must be to stay sober when I'm single (i.e. no partner when it gets rough).  I told her that I have stayed sober because they are my safe place.  I tell them when it's hard.  I can tell them that I'm weak.  & they love me.

My little Lincoln said their family prayer tonight.  More or less: "Thank you for Mommy & Daddy & me & Owen.  Thank you that we have such a good family".  Does anything else really matter?  I mean really.  That's it!  That is EVERYTHING!!!  I have a family who knows me & loves me.  That's the whole world.  All I could ever need.  I officially became an unemployed graduate student today.  That is both terrifying & the most indescribable relief.  I have run myself into the ground this semester, & have royally paid the price this month.  I still haven't recovered & my symptoms are so extreme that my doctor has referred me to a neurologist.  Obviously my performance (& my attendance!) at both of my jobs suffered tremendously, & in both cases we reached the conclusion that I needed to get myself taken care of & allow others to assume my responsibilities.

I hate being dependent.  I can't even begin to describe the knots in my stomach when I think that I will have to ask for help, probably a LOT of help, to make it through this graduate program.  I requested my third priesthood blessing during all of this mess this evening from Andrew.  I've been pretty desperate for help.  The first blessing promised that if I'm doing what it takes to be close to my Heavenly Father, my career & school will be what they need to be.  When it became clear my finances would come up short this month, I paid my tithing first.  When bills came due, I had enough for everything but my substantial school payment.  I wanted to pay it, but the Lord made a way for my parents to have the money to spare when it came due.

My party tonight was at Andrew & Tricia's, because the pictures to sell the house are being taken tomorrow & the carpets were cleaned today.  My blessing made it clear that I am on the right path to help many people, & that while there's nothing wrong with wanting to be independent, there are many around eager to lift me.  To become who I am meant to be & help those I am meant to help, I have to first learn to accept help to allow me to focus on what matters most.  I'm 2/3 of the way through temple prep, & adore my teacher.  Pretty sure we've decided to become close friends.  In the world's definition, my life is totally off-track.  But I am ACING school.  I am going to be an AMAZING counselor, & I have been blessed (sometimes feels like a curse) with life experiences to reach the most special people who desperately need ME.  Our family is challenging one another to each read the Book of Mormon by Christmas, & now I have the free time to really dig into that challenge.

I am where I am supposed to be.  I am becoming the woman my Father intends me to be.  He has such an amazing, wonderful, special plan, just for me.  And I truly believe that this third blessing tonight was so special, because I am trying to do what He has asked of me to be worthy of it.  I am going to church & preparing to make sacred covenants with Him.  I am making the temple a priority, & will have the time I need to go often without earthly priorities to interfere.  I am reading His scriptures.  I am turning to those who love me & want only the most beautiful, perfect life for me & will do whatever it takes to get me there.  People are safe sometimes.  Who knew?

The past couple months have been so hard.  I miss my aunts.  Especially since I've felt lousy & had so little to distract me from their loss.  Facebook is such a wonderful & awful reminder that they have gone where I cannot see.  On the way home I was singing to myself, totally belting it even though my voice still hasn't entirely recovered from this summer's insanity.  I miss singing.  I miss performing.  I was singing "Irene: (Your Baby Was Here)" from "Saints & Pioneers", which we performed my second year in Unison.

For there are more important things to do,
And {they} must add a gleam to heaven’s hue
To help brighten the pathway for one and all,
For through the darkness, great men fall!
{...} And when I walk out in the night divine,
I know {two} of the stars that shine {are} mine!

It's not just my parents, or my brothers & sisters, or my nieces & nephews, or my friends who stand ready to come to my aid before I ask & even if I don't.  This week it has been made abundantly clear to me that two deeply beloved women watch over & comfort & strengthen me quite often & more importantly, that they are not alone in this sacred duty.  I am loved by the grandparents I have lost, & so many others I cannot now remember who knew & loved me before this life & continue to love & protect me now.  I miss them.  But they are never far, & they will never be gone.  What a tremendous blessing, to know that.

So little in this life in easy.  So few things are simple.  Our Savior's arms are always open to us.  That is simple.  Coming unto Him?  That is rarely easy.  Returning home to Him?  That could never be easy, or our entire purpose would be lost.  We are meant to rise, to climb.  The view comes after the panting & the side aches & the shin splints.  The reward comes after the test.  & I will never settle for just passing.

This is my life.  Isn't it great?!

I will never trade it again.