He is the Gift

There have been a lot of things on my mind this last month or so since I made the decision to go to the temple and receive my endowments.  Having been an addict for most of my life, I don't think I ever really believed that was possible.  To be clear, I hoped for it, desperately, for decades.  But I couldn't see a future where I could really be free to make such sacred covenants with my Heavenly Father.  I am not where I pictured being when I went through the temple.  I thought I'd be completely faithful & secure, in myself & in my Lord.  I am learning to trust my Savior & my Heavenly Father.  They have given me the tools to work miracles I never dreamed possible in the past 13+ months.  But I really don't know what it will take to trust myself.



I'm not sure if "normal" people can really understand this, but to make such a habit of sabotaging myself for so long, despite everything I believed in, hoped for, dreamed of, well, trust is earned & I've failed myself many times.  I'm working on that, a lot.  At some point I think it's vital to trust yourself, though I will also always have to recognize my limits & avoid dangerous situations.  That's a frustrating weakness, but a reality with which I have made my peace, at least for the most part.  The thing is, I haven't come nearly as far as I would like.  But I realized this week that I have come much further than I knew.

Addictive behaviors are triggered for all kinds of reasons, & sadness/loneliness, fear/perceived danger are pretty high on my list of triggers.  I had a pretty serious meltdown the other night, for various reasons.  Removed from the panic, I can dissect the causes & all my inner broken little girl reasons for reacting that way.  In the moment, not a chance.  But here's the thing I realized in recounting it to my therapist last week: I recognized that those feelings were valid.  I didn't try to avoid those feelings, overwhelming as they were.  But the biggest triumph of all, that I didn't even notice until four days later while analyzing everything?  I not only chose to be present, which is EPIC for me, but it didn't occur to me to be anything else.  Relapsing never once crossed my mind.  In the past, no matter how overwhelmed I felt, whether I acted on it or not I would have wanted to get out somehow.

As much as I ached for a life free of those temptations, I lacked the faith to really even consider hoping for anything better.  Even through the last year or more of recovery, I became resigned to the idea that while I could resist those temptations without having to debate or talk myself into it, I would never be free of them crossing my mind.  I'm not even close to there, but having a freakout like I haven't in awhile & not even considering checking out....I can't describe it.  It's unfathomable.  And a true miracle.

For those who don't know, endowments, at least in the United States, are typically received in preparation for a mission or marriage.  Obviously neither of these scenarios apply to me.  Even when I was young, I knew I didn't want my covenants with God to be contingent on anything but my relationship with Him.  Not that other ways are wrong; I simply knew they weren't what I wanted.  I feel very blessed to be going to the temple in this way.  I needed it to be my choice, because I finally felt ready (well, like it's right anyway).  Yes, garments are a part of these covenants so for any who are curious, the church has put out a fantastic video to answer any questions you might have.



Since my family, & making the choices which will allow me to be with them forever have always been my top priority, it's been intensely difficult not having a husband or children when I want them more than anything on Earth.  There have been times when I could almost feel them, but never more than this month.  In ten days, I will take the greatest step currently in my power towards being with them for time & all eternity.  I can't describe the peace & joy I find in that knowledge.  I am where I am supposed to be.  I am doing the things I am supposed to do.  I am laying the foundation necessary for creating a celestial family, & there are no words to express my gratitude & awe.

I struggle with my weaknesses & failures, with acknowledging that they are simply part of this mortal experience & recognizing that I have moved beyond the worst of them (I think).  Taking advantage of the peace that comes from the atonement of my Lord & Savior, my elder brother Jesus Christ, is such an epic challenge for me.  I don't know how to let go of things, move on from the past.  And that is why I know the time is now.  I know He wants me in His house, where I can feel His love & truly come to understand how to take hold of that opportunity & forgive myself.  I haven't yet.  The things I've done, though I've been blessed to have very vague memories of many of them, continue to make me ill & break my heart.  But He has made me promises, & I know that He cannot & will not lie.

Christmas is my favorite time of year.  We watch every Christmas movie ever made (more or less), & bake/eat all kinds of yummies.  I got to go to my grandma's house today & make my first ever batch of caramel, which my dad snitched (with permission) & said with wide eyes "That is REALLY good!"  I'm watching the original "Home Alone" movies with my baby sister by Christmas-tree light with a Hello Kitty tent in front of me, in response to which I can already hear my niece saying "Oh I LOVE it!" as she clutches her hands to her heart.

I have been so terrified that something would happen to prevent me from making these covenants.  2012 was the year from hell for me, & I spiraled like never before.  My life has taught me to wait for the other shoe to drop, but I had another epic epiphany in counseling this week: no matter what comes, I will want to go to the temple.  I lost two of the most precious women in my life in the past few months, & every time I have thought of them this month I have begun to cry because I know that they will be there with me.  Anything that life could throw at me, my response must be the temple.  No matter what or who I might lose, it is all found in the temple.  I'm not only going there someday.  I'm going there in ten days.  Because He is the gift.