Belonging (I Know Who I Am)

"I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

I know who I am

I know God's plan

I'll follow Him in faith

I believe in the Savior, Jesus Christ

I'll honor His name

I'll do what is right

I'll follow His light

His truth I will proclaim"

Belonging - Something that belongs

Belongs - to have the proper qualifications to be a member of a group; to be proper or due; be properly or appropriately placed

I've kind of put off writing this entry, or at least writing whatever entry I might after receiving my endowments.  Not to worry; I wrote 15 pages in my journal between that night & the next day so my memories will be as well-preserved as humanly possible I think.  I've been thinking, processing, going back to the temple as often as possible to keep that high, the peace I've found.

I've often tried to pinpoint exactly what I was looking for, all those times when I was acting out.  There's a lot of things to be fair, but I think, maybe, the biggest thing I was searching for was a way to belong.  But I never could, because I couldn't straddle two worlds.  It's not that I was ever deluded that what I was doing was right.  I always knew that.  But I couldn't seem to break out.  

I don't have a magic cure, for anyone.  I kept struggling, falling back in, & sometimes even just remaining content in what I was because I didn't believe escape was possible for me.  I was the lost cause.  I was beyond hope or redemption.  I don't know how dating Matthew & learning about/going to "rehab" & being in a family ward with a well-informed bishop became the right path for me, the way for me to finally get out.  I tried plenty of times, & each time I think I was truly convinced it would be the time.  And somehow, this time, I decided it absolutely had to be the time.  I couldn't go back, couldn't take it anymore.

I still have nightmares, though the technical term is "user dreams".  But I can't feel that removed, that clinical, in those moments when I'm not quite awake yet & still battle against the belief that I'm finally free.  In those moments, they are nothing less than nightmares.  The night before I received my endowments, holy cow it was awful.  All night long, my subconscious fought to believe it could be true, that I could really have finally made it.  I LOVE sleep, & I woke up 45 minutes early because I couldn't take it anymore.  

The thing is, in the past 14+ months I have found such a wonderful sense of belonging.  I think that I expected, in going through the temple, that the experience would be somewhere along the spectrum of two outcomes: either I would have some kind of awful experience where God made it clear I didn't belong there (I promise that was the worst case scenario, not the one I anticipated) or I would have this huge emotional confirmation that I was finally past everything.  I felt neither.

The crazy thing is, I felt peace.  I felt comfortable in the House of the Lord.  I knew it was where I belonged.  I knew I had made the right decision in choosing to accept the guidance of people I loved & trusted in moving forward with my life, even though I couldn't feel at peace within myself about it.  I'm not sure when or if that part ever comes, where the only time I remember what I used to be is in using it to help other people or rejoicing over having left it so far behind me.  I desperately hope so.

One of the greatest gifts of receiving my endowments has been the blessing of wearing my garments.  I don't know that everyone feels as fortunate as I do, but maybe for some people the battle wasn't so hard-won, or they don't need the comfort of the constant reminder of change.  Fortunately the user dreams have seemed to lessen since I've received my endowments but during the moments when I'm thrust back there into my own personal hell, I wake up to a tangible recognition that I am still safe.  I am still free, or at least as much as I can be, & that is a fantastic way to start the day.  Not quite as great as if I didn't have to wake up completely shaken & uncertain of who or what I am, but it doesn't last as long as it did.  And I'll take it for what it is: security.

I ran into a few people this past week or so, people from "back then".  Not that they were necessarily involved, but that's the person they knew.  I'm not sure I'll ever feel entirely comfortable with who I was, but I do know who I am.  & I know that someday, I'll have such a long list of reasons for why I had to be that person first to become this one & the even better one to come.  I believe with all my heart that there are so many people I am destined to help, because I am in such a unique, though admittedly unenviable position to understand them.  There is a plan at work here.  I don't understand it, but I am infinitely grateful for it.  I know where I belong, & I will continue to work to make every decision I make conducive to returning there.  I've had a taste of what eternity means, & nothing matters more.