Sometimes I Thank God (For Unanswered Prayers)

There is something I have really struggled to put into words all my life, & especially the last several months as it has come into focus.  I don't yet trust God.  Not the way I believe is vital to the life I want to live & the person I am striving to become.  I am taking steps towards learning how to do that.  I am doing my best & growing in that, sometimes even daily.  My sister & I watched this movie today on Netflix, "What If".  Totally cheesy, you can ask Amber.  I griped about several factors throughout the movie.  But there were two very important things I noticed:

When the wife prays for her husband, I found myself....unsympathetically irritated.  Of course I was removed from the situation & understood why he was acting out & she did not.  I felt irritated that she would ask for something she was already, unknowingly, in the process of receiving.  Somehow I felt she was wrong to even ask for what she wanted, because she couldn't know if what she wanted was in accordance with what God wanted for their family.  I believe this hang-up of mine, this catch 22, is why my relationship with my Heavenly Father has been such an immense challenge for me.

I don't remember, especially as a child, feeling that my Heavenly Father loved me.  I have a couple of memories of acting in a way which indicates that I felt that way, which is a big deal.  But I don't remember ever feeling that way.  I was an oddly precocious child, & somehow I was aware that everything my family suffered was a part of the Lord's plan for us.  I'm sure He knew it would happen, but I think I interpreted that knowledge to mean that there was no point in praying, in asking for things to improve, because I already knew they wouldn't.

That's a hard concept for me.  I really struggle with prayer & asking for the things that I want, because I can't quite reconcile my belief that God will do what He will do regardless of me.  I don't mean that in a callous or disrespectful way.  I simply mean that I'm not yet to the point where I'm completely confident in how much I matter, & more, that my Heavenly Father wants to hear from me.  I don't know yet (but I am trying to learn) how to reconcile the fact that I understand the importance of asking the Lord for the things I believe I need & even the things that I simply want, with the understanding that I simply don't know better & often probably won't get the things for which I sometimes desperately plead.

With that same recognition, here is the other amazing thing I noticed in this movie: my Heavenly Father has an AMAZING plan.  This weekend was arguably the greatest experience of my life, in that I was able to witness my brother being sealed to his wife & sons & solidify my resolve that nothing on this earth is worth risking my ability to one day be sealed to my husband.  I have already made covenants concerning him & nothing could ever convince me to give that up, no matter when it comes.  But the amazing thing I continue to see in my own life & in this movie?  God has a plan.  We won't thwart it.  We can be a part of His plan & gain more than we can even imagine, or we can throw it all away.  Regardless, His work will go forward.

He has plans for each of us, that I truly believe He hopes with all of His heart we will follow.  But I'm learning more & more that His plan is eternal, & not contingent on "oops, I screwed up, all is lost forever".  We are eternal beings.  He has an eternal plan for us, & many times He will give us the opportunities we need to get there despite an infinite number of screw-ups.  I don't believe that the Lord ever plans for us to screw up, in the sense that it's what He wants for us.  I don't believe that He ever wanted me to become an addict.  I do believe He knew what I would become & He knew I could overcome, that I could take those trials & learn to help others.  I believe that He can plan for our screw-ups to be such immense blessings.  I can't fathom how, but I'm certain that He can & that He does.

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness.  I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them".
-"The Book of Mormon", Ether 12:27

"Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted one with another".
-The Doctrine & Covenants, Section 90:24 

My brother & his wife didn't plan to be married for two years before they were sealed, nor that their family would consist of four members instead of three at the time of their sealing.  They planned to be sealed in the beginning.  The miracle that Heavenly Father created?  BOTH of their sons were able to be sealed to them.  They are now a forever family.  We are fairly certain that if they had been sealed in the beginning as planned, that would not have been possible.  And now Lincoln is theirs, forever.  And the extra miracle for me?  The timing was such that I was blessed to be there.  It would have been a miracle regardless, but such a tremendous blessing for me to join.

I've heard before that missionaries were foreordained to serve, but should they choose not to do so in this life, the people they would have taught will be taken care of.  The blessings of teaching them however will be lost to those who chose not to serve as they were called to do.  I heard a story once, of a woman who was baptized at the very end of her life.  I don't know if it's true, but the story was that she was told that someone was called to teach her when she was still young & he chose not to serve his mission.  She still ended up where she needed to be in the eternal scheme of things, but perhaps not in the best possible timing.

I have this theory that marriage is kind of like that.  Obviously I've never tried it, but I tend to wonder if perhaps the Lord has a Plan A for all of us, & then hundreds of thousands of choices factor into how things actually play out & somehow we end up where we should be if we're doing our best to remain faithful.  My path has been crooked, up, down, everything but straight in a direction towards my Heavenly Father.  I'd prefer I was always 100% clear on where I'm going, what I'm doing, who I am meant to be.  That is not how I learn and grow.  But I will continue to remain focused on what matters most & the rest, if I am patient, will fall into place.


Sorry it's not Garth Brooks (somebody delusional posted this) but everything else on youtube was way worse covers or live versions with thousands of tone deaf fans. Yuck.