The Stuff of Nightmares (What You Don't Know)

Something has been weighing heavily upon me lately, & I've been intensely hesitant to share it with anyone but my counselor & family members.  Sharing this truth will likely out me to many people (if I stick to my decision to share this on my facebook page), but I suppose I've been doing that a little bit at a time over these past fifteen months, nine days, and ten minutes (or so).  Someone said something on their facebook page today.  Not someone I know well, & someone who definitely doesn't know anything about my battles & inner demons.  This post is not a slam against her.  Everything I know of her, she is wonderful.  But I need to be clear on something: "Fifty Shades of Gray" is the stuff of my nightmares.  Literally.  There is nothing innocent or indifferent or whatever about this crap.

Having a severely ADHD-addled brain, I need music or TV or something going on while I do homework to be able to focus.  The past several weeks, previews of this garbage have played on Hulu Plus.  If you don't have Hulu Plus, you may not know that their ads play without control.  You can't skip them, get rid of them, anything but mute.  Obviously you can turn them off, & choose not to watch any of the shows you like on there for the indefinite period of time it takes for them to quit acting as soft-core porn pimps.

If you don't believe "Fifty Shades of Gray" is just another shade of pornography...oh you are so tragically, ignorantly wrong.  Though porn isn't really my drug of choice, take it from someone who really knows.  The night after those disgusting previews played over & over & over again while I completed my schoolwork, was one of the worst nights' sleep I have had in a very long time.  Nightmare after nightmare of my old life, of what I used to be.  So all you innocent little twits who made all the perfectly right choices & can only live out your fantasies through some disgusting books or films.....enjoy your ignorance.

I don't intend to out myself exactly, but I cannot sit idly by while people delude themselves into thinking that this is no big deal.  Is it the first time characters have been horrendous sluts on the big screen?  Oh I'm quite sure not.  But it is definitely the first time, that I know of, that being objectified has been made to seem an ideal & glorified, in public, by the whole world.  Do you know what it feels like to be nothing but an object to someone?  I'll bet you don't.  And it doesn't even matter who they are, though if you care....oh it's so much worse.  If you're completely, wholly sane, it feels like the worst thing in the world.  But if you're tragically, totally broken?  Oh it's so much worse.  You're the center of attention, and in a way you are in complete control.  But then...instead of the objectification being the worst thing in the world?  You, yourself, everything that you are, is the absolute worst thing in the world.  Not the worst person in the world.  Oh no.  You're not a person, with justification & reasons & fears & pains that made you allow all of this to happen to you.  You are so much less.  Because you chose to be less.  You chose to be nothing.

The idea of sharing this, of putting myself so far out there is quite possibly one of the most terrifying things I can imagine.  I'm not certain that I can do it, but I am so sick of being preached at about how these things aren't a big deal & to quit judging.  I'm so far from judging people I can't even tell you.  Or if I seem to be, it's because my heart breaks to see such stupidity, so much wasted.  There is so much better out there.  There is so much more reality to experience.  Believe what you will.  I know what I know.  Even better, I know what God knows.  Not everything, but enough to know where I'm going.  People keep trying to change me.  People keep trying to convince me I never changed, I never made a different choice.

Today, tomorrow, & every one of the last (approximately) 450 days, I have chosen myself.  I have chosen to do whatever it takes to become the most authentic, happy, good person I can possibly be.  I'm not doing a perfect job of it.  Some days, I don't even do a decent job of it.  But every single day I do  it.  Not because I am oh so terribly special.  I'm really not.  And that might be one of the greatest realizations of all, & why I'm not sure I can resist sharing this & whoever reads it, well, they'll infer whatever they will from it.  I am not the only one.  I haven't found true, eternal, unselfish love yet.  Obviously.  If I had, you can be certain I would never have given it up.  But everyone deserves to be more than just tonight's main event.  Everyone deserves to be recognized as a living, loving, flawed, beautiful person.

Read what you will.  Watch what you will.  I'll do what I can to avoid you judging you when you "like" it or post that you've gone to see it. But know what you condone.