No Means No

I'm more than a little disgusted & disheartened that this post is even necessary, but it's coming at you full-force so be ready.  This will be one of those posts where a language disclaimer is given in the beginning & otherwise, no apologies will be forthcoming.  I'm angry enough that I'll try to keep the swearing to nonexistent but...no promises.

A friend of mine accepted a facebook friend request from someone she didn't know personally but had many mutual friends.  He seemed a decent enough guy on the surface, LDS and active at the institute (college equivalent of seminary).  She was immediately inundated with disgusting messages indicating quite clearly that he felt no need to treat her as anything better than a blow-up doll.  She was courageous enough to share a screenshot of these messages online to let others know to be wary.  Given my history, I immediately recognized him for what he probably was & that it was highly unlikely she was unique in how he treated her.  Since then an insane amount of women have contacted her to let her know that he treated them the same and even much worse, including stalking behaviors and intense pressure to comply with his sexual demands.

While many supported her for exposing his sexual harassment, some accused her of shaming him (which by the way means the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself - so seems more than appropriate) or even more ridiculous, enjoying the attention.  One of them was a woman who I know to have a bit of a checkered past herself, so she probably felt a little stung.  The other two, that I know of, were men.

I have never considered myself to be a big gender person.  If anything, I tend to prove unreasonable stereotypes to be incorrect.  My brothers actually studied karate before I did.  My dad used padding to practice with them.  When I started, he practiced with me exactly one time.  Didn't use padding, decided after that I'd better train with people wearing gear at the studio.  My first group class, the instructor told me that normally there were other girls in class.  Until he mentioned it, I hadn't realized that all the students & instructors were males.  I was never raised to look at my gender as anything but an asset.  So please, understand me when I say that I'm angry to be relegated to segregating myself according to my gender.

Here is the thing: I know from way too many experiences that some men (probably women too but not really my knowledge base) don't hear the word "no".  So let me be explicitly clear: the SECOND you are told "no", you STOP.  Don't ask again.  Don't double check that he/she meant it.  Don't try to tease him/her into going further because you're just so terribly skilled that they can't resist giving in.  Just STOP.

Here's where I'm really just beyond furious & don't want to hear anyone's garbage excuses on why these people shouldn't be outed for what they are: in these online scenarios, the question was never even asked.  People who start a conversation with "Want to be my f*** buddy?" don't even dignify these individuals with the expectation of being human.  They're treated as nothing more or less than a voice-activated toy on the shelf at the local Pleasure Boutique.  This may shock you, but I don't happen to believe that this behavior warrants any level of discretion or privacy.  Not ever.

In the past I have excused or ignored this behavior.  Not because I believe it is ever okay, but because due to mistakes I have made in my past I believed that somehow I didn't deserve the same respect as the highest caliber of woman in all of existence.  I was wrong.  Thanks to the courageous actions of my friend, I am giving full warning that this will no longer be the case.  I don't care if you are drunk (pathetic excuse anyway), not involved in my life enough to know how I will respond, whatever your excuse may be.

Treat me with respect.  Treat other women with respect.  Treat other people with respect.  The excuse that one ignorant jackass commenting made was "there will always be guys like this so just move on".  If we allow it then yes, there will be.  So stop allowing it.  Have the courage to call this behavior what it is: predatory, selfish, disgusting, sociopathic.  And never convince yourself it's okay to be treated like this, no matter who you are or what you have done.