Give It Away

Today was pretty rough for me.  Unfortunately for me, my particular addiction is the topic of discussion for many lessons in the church.  Sometimes I appreciate that given my own passionate desire to prevent others from experiencing the same pain.  Other times....let's just say sitting still & keeping my mouth shut is challenging at best.  Fortunately for me a good friend had already recognized I was struggling a bit & we'd set a 'date' to talk. 

I'm mildly inclined to explain why I was already having issues, but it's not terribly important.  The thing is, I have a box I've held onto since moving home over a year ago, though I left it in storage.  You might assume otherwise, but no, this box was not my "stash".  I didn't hold onto it just in case I fall back into old patterns.  I held onto it because everything in it reminds me of who I was, & I wanted to see it all go up in smoke but couldn't figure out how to do it safely.  I have a flair for the dramatic but I also wanted full-on destruction.  After several weeks of thinking about it, I asked that same friend for some insight into how to destroy the box & its contents.

He & I talked today & it was rough but nothing new there.  We're a bit unique & tend to prefer hard conversations, though I'm the only one who ends up crying.  Seems unjust, but oh well.  As per usual I continue to struggle immensely with feeling like I have left that person behind.  Sometimes it feels like it's sucking my soul dry, trying to believe it's all in the past.  During our conversation he asked if I would trust him to get rid of the box.  Other than missing out on the big fun of destroying it, of course that option sounded at least as good as throwing it away myself.

I was already in my car leaving the parking lot when I remembered the box & his offer.  I turned around & handed it over before I had the chance to think about it possibly inconveniencing him somehow & then changing my mind.  There's an awful lot to be said for having safe people in your life.  It doesn't happen as often as I would like.  But the choice to give something so....personal to someone I trusted rather than finding a way to blow it all to heck made me think.  It felt like an interesting metaphor.

That box is a representation of everything I believe I used to be, & often struggle to remember I no longer am.  On good days I'm not sure that I ever was that person, but here's the thing: I gave away the last tangible piece of that identity to someone who cares enough to take care of it for me.  It may be cheesy or cliché but that makes such perfect sense to me.  I'm not sure when the process will be complete, but I have to give away that broken, lost, lonely part of myself to the only One who can heal it, & trust that He will.  So I'll keep working, one piece at a time.  In the meantime, for those to whom it applies thank you, for being a safe place for me to turn.  It means more than you will ever know.