Unanswered Yet

I had a rather momentous event today.  I finished a journal which I've kept since I became an adult, as well as the eight days preceding my eighteenth birthday.  It's often been neglected, though some time periods I simply wasn't doing much physical writing but did keep digital records.  The thing is, I have to write about a miracle I received tonight or I will consider myself horribly ungrateful.  One of the things I wrote in the last few pages this afternoon was how I hope that some time in the next twelve years, I will realize the enormity of what I have done in the last couple of years.  I know that seems silly, but most of the time I feel unchanged.  My life seems much the same as it always did.  Friends point out I'm grumpy, ask me why, & I have no reason.  Ohhhhhh, how it feels the same.

The thing is, I remember that lost little girl.  I can tangibly recall certain moments of those first couple weeks when I began keeping this journal.  I remember who I loved.  I remember how and why I loved him, and why that was such a horribly tragic thing.  I remember believing "it can't get any better than this".  Not because it was so good, oh no, but because I could not fathom a life free from addiction.  I remember choosing to go to BYU because really, what else was I going to do?  I felt nothing but fear and inadequacy, wanting nothing more than a few years all by myself to get my head on straight.  Sadly that's not what I was supposed to do & if I'm honest, it wouldn't have mattered then anyway.  I was nowhere near ready.

I remember so many things in the years since then.  I remember the people I have loved, the people I have lost, and especially those who fell into both groups.  I remember the people I begged to love me, and those I had to leave behind to get to this point.  I remember countless nights of believing that this would always and forever be my life.  It's a bit of a curse you know, having such a strong testimony of the eternal nature of mankind while believing yourself doomed to an eternity of hell.  I remember so much agony and despair as I tumbled further and further than even I believed possible.  While all of this sounds horrible (because it was!), it's not intended to depress.  It's meant only to give perspective to what I am about to share.

I've felt really off lately.  Not something entirely quantifiable, but the best description I can find is disconnected.  I am so burnt out, mentally, emotionally, physically, ugh I'm just sucked dry.  I don't regret how hard I've pushed in school for one second.  I don't regret trying harder in the ward, taking care of my girls as best I can.  I do regret the decision to go back to work, primarily based in my pride and fear.  I'm not sure it was the wrong decision, but it's definitely contributed to this in a huge way.  I was told that I needed to focus on school & let others help me.  That direction probably wasn't meant to be limited to the two months following that blessing.  But I can only move forward now.

Tonight I chose to listen to this song which I have always loved but again, it felt torturous when I couldn't see a way out.



I've always loved it, & it's beginning to become more of a promise to myself than a condemnation.  The thing is, one of my greatest strengths is focusing on the future.  One of my greatest weaknesses (as is true for most addicts I believe) is remaining present in my life & finding joy in where I am right now.  There is a line in that song that has never hit me harder before in my life, & I've known it so long I can remember singing it as a youth leader at Girls' Camp in high school.

"Will I want to be the person I've become?"

That girl could barely find the motivation to pack for college, literally packed the same day I left.  This woman has a bachelor's degree and 24/60 credits towards a master's degree.  That girl never ever imagined anything beyond a bachelor's & often doubted even that.  That girl felt like a disgusting hypocrite and a liar every single Sunday.  This woman is far from perfect & often feels that way, but knows those feelings are lies.  This woman attends the House of God with greater frequency than anyone I know who doesn't serve as a temple worker.

There are many things about my life now that I want to change.  There are many things in my life now that I am struggling ever onward to change, improve, eradicate.  But here's the miracle:

I'm glad to be the person I've become.

I have strength I never imagined I could possess.  I feel a joy in serving in the temple of the Lord that I never fathomed possible.  I have an understanding of the love my Savior & Heavenly Father have for me which is so far from perfect but so much closer than it was twelve years ago.  I don't have everything, & my heart aches more than I'd care to admit for the blessings which have taken much longer to come to fruition than even I had anticipated.  But you know what?  As I heard my fellow Unison choir members sing over & over again so many years ago, "you shall have your desire, sometime, somewhere".  Until then, I'm grateful for this unexpected answer today to such a fervent prayer.  All is not yet said & done, & "God will finish what he has begun", including shaping me into who I am meant to be.