Dear Future Husband

Hey babe,

I'm having one of those weeks where I really miss you.  I had a really hard talk with one of my close friends this week.  I know you'll know him, someday.  He recognized that I'm struggling, becoming more and more skeptical that I'm on the path which will lead me to you.  Okay, so it's more than that.  He knew I was becoming skeptical you even exist.  It would seem so strange for me to say to other people, that I miss someone I have never met.  Maybe that's part of what it means to promise eternity, that I can feel your absence without ever having felt your presence.  Heck if I know.

I've been thinking a lot, too much lately, about those who came before you.  I've been thinking how much I want to thank Matthew for believing in me enough that I took the leap of faith that got me here.  I've been thinking how nice it is to remember that Jason thought I was beautiful, no matter what, so hopefully you will even more.  I want to thank them for being the right people at the right time to help me become the right person, even though I wasn't the right person for either of them.

I miss my aunts a lot today.  It hurts my heart that you won't know them in this lifetime.  I know they would have loved you, so much.  I feel some peace & comfort knowing that even though I can't see or watch over you now, they can.  I know they are keeping tabs on you for me and doing their part to guide each of us towards each other.  I can't wait to tell you about them someday.  

I think about you so much.  That feels so stupid to say, so petty and pathetic, but my therapist reminded me this week that the way I long for you, for our family, is an eternal desire.  Hearing that makes it feel a little less pitiful to miss you so much.  I think about how you would be with Amber & Barrett moving this week.  I trust that you would be right beside me, flexing those muscles :-P & not giving up until they & their belongings were safe in their new home.  I trust you would be my partner & for those hours I'll be working this weekend instead of hefting boxes, you would fill in where I couldn't.

I love thinking of you with our nieces & nephews.  I love the idea of Mia teasing you about not catching a fish, Addison hugging you good night before we turn on a movie for a double date, Emery telling you to watch her latest trick, or Everett doing his sweet little wave & saying "hi" as he sees you come in.  I love thinking of you having Nerf fights with Lincoln, swimming in the pond beside Owen, & pinching Westley's cheeks as he laughs.  I hate knowing that as our family finally faces down this ordeal which has loomed over us for so long, you won't be there to hold my hand & kneel beside me in prayer.

It's my birthday you know.  Birthdays are always so complicated for me.  Somehow with social media, people pop up who I would rather forget entirely & work very hard to do so the rest of the year.  Then again, people I love dearly but rarely get to see also make a special effort to remind me how special I am to them.  How do you feel about Tennessee love?  My rehab roomie checked in on me today, & I miss her terribly.  I want you to know her, for she & the others are such a critical piece in who I have become.  Without them, I could never have become someone worthy to make eternal covenants with you.

I think I look forward to that most of all.  Yes of course to the day we kneel across the altar, but perhaps even more to the frequent opportunities to return to the temple & remember.  I cannot wait to do that with you.  I look at the enormous responsibilities I have been given with so many ordinances needing to be done, & wish you were here to help me complete them.  I feel such joy & gratitude to my parents, siblings, & friends for their help, but I hope that you will be my partner in completing all of these tremendous soul-saving eternal ordinances for so many.

I have a confession to make.  You will be my best friend, so you know all the reasons I have struggled so intensely to forgive myself, to move on, to be whole.  I feel so strongly that it is that inability to let go & truly take hold of who I have become that prevents me from moving forward to/with you.  How could I ever truly love you & more, have faith in your love for me if it is so unfathomable to me that such perfect beings as our Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ could ever forgive & love me?  I hope you know how deeply I feel how I betrayed you in the past.  I always wanted to be the person you deserved, & I fell short of that hundreds of times.  I hate to admit that I will, without a doubt, fail you many more times to come.  That struggle to believe that I could ever be enough makes me question if our eternal marriage is even possible.  It is so hard for me to believe in that, to trust in the assurances I have been given that I have been forgiven & we will be together forever.  I struggle sometimes with remembering how worth it you will be.  I think back through my past relationships & think "No, none of them were what I wanted but if I haven't found it in all these years so why would that change now?  How can I believe there is better ahead?"  I have no words to describe how anxiously I look forward to the day when it will be so clear to me that it always had to be you.



I wonder sometimes, how much you think of me.  I don't know if that's a gender thing, personality, some combination, who knows.  Maybe we'll talk about it someday.  I wonder if you think about our children, if you've always known we would adopt the way that I have, if you feel the same concern that I do that they may already be here on the earth & hurting without us to protect them.  I wonder if you'll want to hear about some cool new intervention I learned or if work will always stay at the office between us.  I wonder if you would geek out with me as I finish each class standing between me & my degree or smile at my giddiness over getting closer to completing the hours for my license.

I have come so far.  I feel so grateful & proud to be 100% confident that you would never recognize that miserable addict from 2.5 years ago in the woman you will one day love and choose forever.  I am not her, but she will forever be a part of me.  I don't know when or how I will completely reconcile who I never wanted to be with who I am striving to become, but I pray that you will somehow love all the crazy jagged pieces & help me fit them all together.  I hope you will be proud of me.  I hope you will throw yourself into celebrating my sobriety anniversaries with me, though I also hope that as we build our lives together it will become less important to me to celebrate my courage in leaving those mistakes behind.  I hope you will be so proud of how hard I have worked to become this person, to get my master's degree & become the person my Heavenly Father intends for me to be so that I can help others & most importantly, be the best that I can for our family.

I'm scared.  I wonder if you are too.  I wonder if it's so important to you to be a good husband & father that somewhere in the back of your mind you pray we never find one another so you won't have to fail as we both inevitably will some days.  It would be nice to know I'm not the only one who feels that way & battle those insecurities together.  I trust you.  Now, in this moment, I trust you with eternity.  I trust you with my heart, with our children, with everything that I am & will become.  I hope somehow you know that I know you are worth waiting for no matter how long it takes.  It's not easy but I'm pretty sure that makes it all the better when it finally happens.  I don't understand why it's so long and so hard.  I cannot wait until I can say "I'm not scared anymore.  At last I see the light, now that I see you".  Thank you for never giving up on me, on us, because I know you won't.  It will be worth it.  I promise.  I love you, always.  See you soon.