I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I ran into someone from my past this weekend (seems inevitable when the Western Idaho Fair sucks everyone in) & successfully dodged another person. Don't judge. I haven't seen him in nearly a decade & I'm not eager to change that now. Plus it was literally about 30 seconds between the two & I was tapped out on the bizarre reunion emotions. The point is, I would venture to say that at least one & possibly both of those individuals would say they know me well. They don't. They don't know me at all, except maybe for my temper. I'll admit that still has a long way to go.
I have come so far in the (almost) 34 months since I touched down in Nashville, Tennessee with high hopes for changing my life. I am a counselor, though not yet a licensed professional counselor. I will be in way less than a year. I not only don't fail classes anymore, but I have not gotten less than a B+ since beginning my graduate studies. Yes, those 2 classes still irk me & I prefer to focus on the last 2 semesters which were both 4.0. Well, should be. My grade for that one last class hasn't posted yet.
I don't hide things anymore. I still feel that twitch often when I have something embarrassing or painful come up, but I can't hold out on my family for more than a few hours. And it's not even because they recognize something is bothering me & pull it out of me. I now have such confidence in my family's unconditional love for me that I'm constantly spilling my guts no matter how stupid the mistake. I am in awe, but I have learned I am never alone. They have my back, 100,000,000%.
I am a dang good counselor. I'm not winning any awards or leaving my clients awestruck with my amazing skills, but I am helping people. I am connecting with them in a safe, healthy way I'm not sure I could have ever believed was possible. I create a safe space & I'm shockingly good at caring. I can be so critical & judgmental that I have been truly floored by my capacity to spare judgment and instead convey genuine empathy for deep pain. I love hearing stories & learning that every single person is who they are for a reason AND knowing that given enough time, I will know why & be able to understand.
I think my biggest cause for reluctance in seeing people from the past is knowing that I don't look better. I'm willing to venture a guess I don't look happy to these people. Fat must equal unhappy, right? If I were really living a happy, healthy, authentic life, I would be slender & active & just about physically perfect. Guess again. I am so happy with where I am at in my life, the opportunities I have been given & the people I have been blessed to know (classmates turned dear friends, professors, clients, & colleagues). I am succeeding in every way except the one everyone can see: my health. I'll admit, that one still trips me up. I'm hopeful I'll get it under control one day. But I am learning I can be happy & fat & love myself & share what I have to offer regardless. And I am determined to do so.
Although I became determined to write this entry after Saturday, it started churning around in my brain last Wednesday. I was tired & put off getting ready for work until the last possible moment. I hadn't done laundry so I was down to the most professional outfit I really hate. It's too hot, it's too dark, the tank is only a built-in front, & it's way too freaking short for me to confidently sit in front of clients without constantly worrying it's sliding up inappropriately. Who designs a short shell??? Ridiculous. But on my way out the door my mom took a picture & then sent it to me.
I was blessed to go to the temple today with my parents. I had spent the night throwing up, so we shortened our plans. Maybe I was only supposed to be sick to allow me to have such a wonderful experience. One of the greatest challenges in my past, especially in my relationships with others, was living according to the truths in my heart. I have ALWAYS known the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints holds the keys of salvation. I just couldn't believe it could apply to me. I believed I was too far gone. I was too damaged, broken, selfish, insert cruel adjective here, for even the God of heaven & earth to redeem.
Now I know that is impossible. I will never stray so far again, but I also know I could never fall so far that I could not return. It is impossible. His love for me is too great. I worry sometimes about people knowing who I used to be & believing that same person now disrespects the House of God. For anyone with any doubts, I have repented to the utmost of my ability for all of the selfish, horrible mistakes I have made. My elder brother Jesus Christ filled in the rest long before I ever found the courage to ask. I am redeemed. I am far from perfect (get used to that) but I am on the right path.
I find such joy in serving in the temple. I have been so blessed to feel such tremendous peace there. I am so deeply honored to be able to stand proxy for those who never had the opportunity to receive these vital ordinances. There is such indescribable joy to be found in the temple. If you are not worthy to go or simply not making it a priority, please, do whatever it takes to go. You will never be more certain of who you are & where the path to eternity will lead, if you choose to follow. If you do not believe these principles, believe me. Remember who I was & learn who I am now. If you don't see the miracle in that & wonder...I don't know what to tell you. I can only say that I could never have done it alone, & I never have to do anything alone. Neither do you.
"I wish to you joy and happiness, but above all this I wish you love".
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