Jealous of the Angels (This Life I've Been Given)

I don't even know how to start this post.  My thoughts and emotions are so.....scattered.  All month long, especially the last eleven days, I have thought I should say something in honor of my aunts.  I still miss them and think of them often but I think somehow I convinced myself that because I feel them so close sometimes, I would be okay without taking that time.  Plus I just don't seem to have the time.  I am so grateful for the life I lead now and how amazing it has become in the two years since they left this earth but, well, it doesn't leave me a lot of time to breathe.  I don't really have time (or energy) to stop to feel.  Normal stuff sure but the stuff that requires time, distance, connection, that's hard to come by.  And I would be lying if I said I actively seek it out.

September is just rough.  My cousins' father completed suicide in September of 2003.  Though I hadn't seen him in years, the shock took years for me to process.  Ever since then there has seemed to be a cloud over the month, made heavier by the consecutive deaths of my aunts Jamie and Julie in 2014.  I am grateful Facebook has the memories function but I seem to equally crave and dread remembering how wonderfully supportive and involved they were in my life, from a distance.  If it's a post older than two years, odds are one or both of them responded somehow.  They were just that attentive.    And I miss those connections terribly.

It was crappy (or divine?) timing that cause my Grief Counseling class to be offered two weekends in a row, smack in the middle of September.  The second weekend starts tomorrow, but the first churned up some emotions as it was naturally intended to do.  I ache for my aunt Jamie.  Phone calls with her were one of my only lifelines when I was in middle school.  Visits during my year at BYU were truly precious.  But somehow when I think of her I feel so deeply grateful she knew exactly how much I loved her and she lasted so long with all her miserable health problems.  I'm not sure I've ever slept more on a drive than I did when Mom & I hauled to Utah for Joshua's farewell for less than 24 hours that last visit we got with her.  We were both so exhausted and my voice was destroyed from planning my parents' surprise 30th birthday party.  But I treasure those moments she sat on the couch with me, admiring the pictures and videos and telling me how sweet it was for us to pull together such a beautiful party for them.  I wish I'd had more time and probably always will but I don't have a single regret.

Grieving Julie has been an exponentially more complicated process.  I feel so robbed.  I lost so much I wanted to have with her.  I have mourned that loss for so many years but her sudden death guaranteed those wishes could never be granted in this life.  I felt such a deep shock, having almost convinced myself that with all the miracles she was being given, she would somehow make it and one day look back on that trial with gratitude and peace.  I avoid thinking or feeling too much because when I do I feel so angry with the person who cost me the time I could have had with her.  So many horrible, selfish choices causing so much pain.

This class has caused me to feel a sense of urgency in finding some kind of peace with that person.  I've only been working on it my whole life so I'm sure I should be fine to figure it out before class ends Saturday.  I don't know how to let go of the anger, the hurt, the fury.  I don't know how to reconcile the feelings of abandonment and rejection with my hope that he simply disappears from this earth.  I am aware of the pain his choices must have cost him.  Whatever capacity he has for emotion, I cannot fathom a human being not suffering deeply for all he has done.  I saw a picture of him at her graveside, burying the only biological child he raised at 32.  I can't imagine any agony I might vengefully wish upon him having a deeper impact than that.  He suffers, and yet I remember my mother's face as she wrestled with the decision to forego attending the funeral of the baby sister she begged for from the age of three.  I remember these things and don't know how to begin to forgive, to grieve, to heal.  His choices, his selfishness made the celebration of her life somewhere we felt unsafe to be.

Part of the work for this class required me to write my own obituary.  That was challenging, but more because I felt uncomfortable with a task that felt a bit vain than anything else.  I did find I wanted to leave some messages for people I worry don't know things, but I stand by the decisions I have made.  I truly believe if there is a time for those conversations and reconciliations, I will know it and act accordingly.  The work did inspire a mild sense of panic, like "this isn't enough time!!!" but for the most part I have come to be happy with my life.  I have done amazing things, things I never thought I could do, and I know there would be no question of my love were I to die this very moment.  My parents, siblings/in-laws, nieces, and nephews know there is nothing more precious to me on this earth than they are, and they know I would be with them throughout their lives until we can be together forever.  None of those thoughts really challenged me.  I would leave behind a lot of love, and that mitigates the sting of possibly never falling in love or being a mother.

The sticking point for me now is that in less than 17 hours I have to turn in the obituary I want to mark the natural end of my life.  I haven't even started.  I have so many questions, doubts, hopes churning around in my mind.  Do I write an obituary which admits to the hope I now lack that I will ever get married?  Does it stay true to the promises I have been given?  Does it reflect my thoughts that maybe I'm supposed to be a mother to all the little lost children in the world (well, as many as I can) as soon as I can?  If I choose to reflect the path that means I stay single my whole life, do I have the same desire to live into my eighties without a life partner or children and grandchildren to fill my life with joy?  I love my life with my siblings and nieces and nephews but do I really want another fifty years of this?  I love being a counselor and have so many dreams for services I want to one day provide, similar to those that gave me my life back nearly three years ago.  But do I really believe I'll find someone who will support me in those dreams and if I don't, do I really want to go for them without a partner?  Whether I marry or not, does my plan for my life really include returning to Kenpo one day and finally achieving my black belt?  Can I live with never really finishing that chapter?  So very many questions........


Julie's sister-in-law posted this beautiful song at the beginning of the month (different cover but I like the original artist better).  I miss my angel aunts.  I'm not ready to be done with this mortal journey just yet, but I do wish I could talk to them.  I wish they could share their beautiful eternal understanding.  I wish I could feel them closer to comfort me.  I wish I didn't feel some resentment, knowing next year I will be the same age Julie was when she died a mother of five while I have no children.  I wish I could apologize to her for feeling so petty since I know she would understand.  She found such tremendous joy in being a mother.  I know she sees why it hurts me so much that I am not.  I went to look for the song on Julie's page and Facebook proclaimed "Tomorrow is her birthday".  Not sure I could say if that hit my heart, stomach, or throat harder.  For a moment I couldn't breathe.

Wow I am so tired.  I realized all this garbage had to come out when I almost started crying today at work after a challenging session.  Nothing inappropriate or unkind, just really hard on me to feel so insufficient sometimes.  Thank heaven for all the tremendous support with which I have been blessed in my internship.  Maybe now my head will be clear enough to write a decent obituary before class tomorrow.  Yay.....

Stay close, please.  I need your love and strength.  Sometimes I feel much too weak for this mortal life and all these stupid hard terrifying choices.

"I'll hold you as close as I can".