Today is my 3rd anniversary. It feels very strange. The past two years I have been very deliberate about celebrating, partying it up with my family with pizza and treats. This year I've felt it coming for months now and felt.....off. I talked about this feeling with my therapist this week and I think I have come to a conclusion. Three years later, my life still lacks the primary reasons I chose to get sober. I wanted to be a healthy, faithful, committed wife and mother. I had given up mothering Emmalynne, Garion, & Rowan less than 3 months before I flew out to Tennessee, ending my relationship with Jason trusting that something was coming. When I went to rehab Matthew & I were struggling intensely, less than 2 weeks after the fiasco that was me meeting his family. Not many people know this but I cried in the hotel bathroom the night before I flew home. Matthew was angry and hurt when I expressed my relief at baring my soul to my group mates, flaws and all. He'd worked very hard to be open with me & until that night he didn't realize just how much I'd kept back. By Thanksgiving we were over, and that June he married & (of course) settled in my mother's hometown where my grandparents still live.
I am happy for Matthew. Jason & I haven't spoken in over two years, Matthew & I even longer, but I hope they & their families are happy. I worry about Jason & the kids sometimes but I know with all my heart I made the right decision, for all of us. The thing is, I didn't even cry when Matthew & I broke up. It was a relief. Once again I was certain it was the right decision and something was coming. Well, nothing really changed until that summer when I decided to go to grad school but that was okay. I was busy building my sober life. After the first ninety days it was a bit weird, as I had a sense of "so.....now what?" Once I got through that period of detox, it was just my new life. There weren't really any milestones to hit or anything, just regular life. So when those first two anniversaries came I celebrated the crap out of them. Sounds pretty right? Okay, just kidding. But I was so happy & proud!
I wish I could say this post will be happy. It's probably already obvious it won't be but I promise, I will do my best to end it on a hopeful note. I'm just being honest. I need to be. I hate it, so much, but I'm struggling with this, a lot. Last year I wrote about how I will be the best I can be in whatever role, but especially an aunt. This year I have added a coveted role: counselor. No, I'm not yet a licensed professional counselor or a licensed associate marriage & family therapist but there are people in this world for whom I am their counselor. I couldn't exaggerate the awesomeness of that fact if I tried. My job is hard but I love it. I (almost always) have no doubt whatsoever that all of this will be worth it. I am a dang good counselor. I am so grateful for everything & everyone that has gotten me this far & will get me through graduation and licensure. Those gifts are immeasurable.
I still fill so many roles that I love, even more than I did last year. I am an aunt, a counselor, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a colleague, and I treasure them all. I'm just so tired of the limbo. I'm tired of waiting & wondering & hoping but not daring to hope. I could deal with being single & not being a mother if I knew that was going to be my lot in life. It would hurt. I would grieve. I would mourn. I would yell and scream and cry. But I would move forward building this life. I have done those things in many ways. I am hoping to find a semi-permanent residence for myself, as my parents' house will sell next month (ask me how well I'm handling THAT). I am getting my finances as orderly as I can while working as an intern & going through grad school, & I am setting myself up for a freaking awesome career.
I am so happy about this piece of getting my life in order that it deserves its own paragraph. I have lost almost 30 pounds in 10 weeks. I made the decision to go back to Idaho Weight Loss & it was, without question, the right decision. I'm far from perfect but I'm on the right track & doing great. I'm happy & getting healthier every day. I'm even using skin tightening lotion twice a day to give my skin the best chance to recover from years of torture, even though I'm convinced the real torture is having to feel slimey & smelly multiple times every day. I think I could probably use an increase in my thyroid medication, but I trust if it's necessary when they check it in a couple months then I will get it. The craziest part is, this time it feels like when I got sober 3 years ago (today!). This time, this is simply the way my life will be, no matter how long it takes to get there. It will happen, because this is my new reality.
What do you know? Looks like this IS going somewhere happy! Good for me. The bottom line is, some pieces of my sobriety have become incredibly easy. I have been floored at how much it's not even a part of my life anymore, not even a consideration. Other areas are really a struggle. I physically ache for the pieces of my soul I had to leave behind, passions and relationships that unquestionably needed to change but...I still don't know if it's right for any or all of them to end permanently. These things are especially hard because 3 years later, I still struggle to forgive myself. I'm quite certain my poor, tremendous, steadfast bishop is exhausted by how often I need to hear "The Lord has forgiven you. You just need to forgive yourself". I have been mercifully blessed to forget or fade out many of the things that happened during that part of my life, but I also remember some intensely enough that I want to vomit when they pop up. I know I am not that person anymore but I feel her sometimes, so close to the surface it terrifies me to the point where I begin to shake and even sob.
I don't know how to forgive myself & move on. With such a huge hangup, I find it so much easier to just avoid my Heavenly Father & my Savior. It's awful, beyond awful, but it feels much easier to just be distant than to say "you know all these tremendous gifts you've given me? I'm throwing them away because I'm convinced you're wrong about me. I shouldn't have them". IT SUCKS. So to kind of cheer me up & do something fun (and beyond terrifyingly outside of my comfort zone) today, I recorded a couple songs from an awesome performance I got to do several times with Reflections about 7 years ago. Neither of them were my character so please, be kind (sorry Katie & Carisa!). I would have just posted videos of others doing them but...I didn't like any I found on YouTube & unfortunately we never recorded any of our performances of "The Ten Virgins". I don't know these songs well, so much that I only did the very end of one of them rather than butcher the whole thing. But they're a good reflection of where I'm at & where I'm trying to be.
Happy Anniversary Me. I'm proud of how far you've come, & I'm sorry you are still hurting & so afraid. I know one day that will change. Never give up. I'm absolutely positive next anniversary will be better, married or not. You've been given a beautiful life. Never give up on it. You can do this. All of it. As long as it takes. Look at that sparkle girl. You've got this.
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