Men: You Matter

These are thoughts I have ached to get out for years, so I am hoping I do them justice now.  This morning I was scheduled early for a meeting, and noticed something weird and unsettling with my car once I got on the freeway.  It seemed to mellow out but I was still nervous so I planned to call my mechanic once I got to the office.  As soon as I got off the freeway I heard weird sounds and wondered if I had a flat, but the car seemed to be driving reasonably well and I was almost to work.  Literally in sight of my office, the left rear tire gave out and I had to pull over right at the stoplight.  Nothing more convenient for traffic than that right?

I pulled over and by this point had gotten the message my meeting was cancelled so I figured “wow tire, super rude not to wait like 1000 more feet to die but fine, I’ve got the time to mess with you for once so nice timing, I’ll take it”.  I pulled out my toolkit & got my spare off the back of my car with the wrench.  Started mentally planning how to get the tire changed without getting flattened, since I’d had to pull over right at a stoplight with maybe half a car width of space on the side of the road, and start digging in my little bag of tools.  Didn’t take long to realize that neither of the two tools in it were a jack.  Super awesome.  Totally feeling She Hulk today, no problem to rip off my flat tire and toss on the spare, all while holding my vehicle several feet off the ground.  I could do that in my sleep.

As I’m sure you can all tell, I’m totally full of it.  I’ve never tried to lift a tire more than a few feet, but pretty sure I can’t do it for long if at all.  SO I call my daddy.  He was out for a jog so he had to run back home before he could even come out to Caldwell to rescue me.  While I was waiting for my dad, a man pulled up and I explained the situation.  He suggested we try his jack, and successfully got my tire off the car.  Unfortunately, he drove a car so his jack only got my baby SUV about halfway up to where it needed to be to put on a full spare.  Before we realized the problem, two or three more kind men drove by with rolled-down windows to check if we needed assistance.  After that, another very tired man, fresh off the graveyard shift, pulled up and went looking for his jack.  At that point an officer pulled in and when the tired man couldn’t find his jack, the officer went looking for his.  Since I never saw it, I’m guessing his was AWOL as well.  That part was never clear.

At this point my dad is on his way & I’m just barely not obstructing traffic with my lovely little parade.  The tired guy apologized for not being able to help.  I thanked him and sent him home for what appeared to be very hard-earned sleep.  The police officer pulled up behind me and turned on his lights to make sure everything was safe.  My original rescuer called his boss to fill him in and was told to come pick up his boss’ jack around the corner because it would do the trick.  This man pulled out his stuff, jacked up my car, took off my flat, THEN went to work, picked up a jack, CAME BACK WITH IT, jacked up my car even higher, and put on the spare.  I was able to hop in my car, get to work, and investigate the damage to my tire with my daddy before getting a couple hugs to reset my day.

I have really struggled for so much of my life, but especially recently, with the vilification of men.  Men are AMAZING.  Men are my heroes.  Do I have female heroes too?  You betcha, but for whatever reason I don’t hear them being accused of being sex-crazed, predatory, incapable of self-control, needing to be trained so they don’t grow up to be harmful or abusive, and on and on and on.  Men are protectors.  Men are defenders.  Men are warriors.  Men will fight to the death for the ones they love.  Are any of those things women aren’t or can’t be?  No, of course not.  Have you met me?!?!?  But the pure, beautiful thing about masculinity is HOW they do it.  Have you ever seen a man go to work every day to provide for his family, make sure his children have food, pray God will uphold him to be everything they need?  I’d call it magical but it’s so much more than that.  It’s deeply spiritual.

It’s so tragic to me how our culture has evolved to let nothing be unique, nothing be special, nothing be different.  Anything men can do women can do just as well, except of course prey on women.  I guarantee you I know better than many in this world how horribly people can treat one another.  I am privileged to hear the stories of so many survivors of horrific, evil acts.  Men are capable of evil.  Men are capable of cruelty.  But if our goal is only to keep them from being bad, when will they ever grow in goodness?  It quite literally breaks my heart to think of my sweet, perfect, loving nephews growing up in a world that tells them their greatest goal should be “do no harm”.  They are filled with so much love, intelligence, curiosity, and drive that any one of them could change the world merely by existing.

Please, stop sending the message that to be male is to be dangerous.  It’s as harmful as the message that to be female is to be a victim.  Men have so much power to be a tremendous force for good.  Don’t teach them not to be bad.  Teach them how wonderfully, deeply, purely good they are, not even though they are male but because they are male.  Remind them every chance you get.  Show them how to love others with everything they are, and everything they are will be good.  When you see “me too”, hug the men in your lives and remind them “I know, not you”.  Do not misunderstand me.  Let none of this take away from the empowerment so many women feel by confronting men who are not men at all, not even little boys.  Don’t label predators as men.  They are not.  Do not give away the power of real men to those who would use it to do unspeakable harm.  Teach your boys to be a man is to be a protector, someone who uses their power, their strength to change the world.

I am so grateful for the incredible, good, selfless men in my life.  My father has dedicated his life to building an eternal family with my mother, dropping everything to come to the rescue, using his wonderful masculine strength and knowledge to make our lives better whenever humanly (and sometimes even superhumanly) possible.  My grandfathers worked harder than I could ever imagine providing safe homes for their children.  My three brothers find greater joy in being fathers than I could possibly hope to fathom, massaging their children’s ears, singing them songs, taking them swimming, doing their best to attend to every need.  My nephews thrill my soul, chasing each other, giving huge hugs, racing cars, doing puzzles, pretending to be superheroes, and generally just reminding me every day what perfect beauty can come from the Y chromosome.  My fellow men I don’t even know interrupt their day to open a door, smile at a stranger, lift a heavy box, charge a battery, or change a tire.  I am grateful to live in a world where there are men.  I only wish we had more of them.