My Boyfriend's Back

I've been fielding a lot of questions the last few days about my reunion with Jason, though surprisingly not as many as I had expected.  It's been almost exactly 5 years since we met.  We have tried to figure out the day we went on our first date, but all we've managed to determine is around June 8, 2013.  We met on ldssingles and he asked me out, though I don't remember how long we talked first.  I'm usually pretty cautious.  The internet being what it is and people being who they can be, I chose to meet him at the now-closed Souper Salad in Meridian.  Always heavily invested in my love life, my sister Tricia did my hair and I believe my makeup.  I got ready at their apartment and somehow didn't have my contacts with me, so I wore my glasses on our date.  Needless to say it was an interesting first impression when I got out of the car and this total stranger says "WOW".  He spent the whole night admiring me and recently told my mom the plan was just dinner, but he didn't want to stop talking to me so it extended to frozen yogurt at U-Swirl (now La Creme - hurts my heart) and a walk around the then-new park behind The Village.


Things moved quickly the first time around.  If I'm being honest (and we are being brutally honest this time around), they moved too fast.  I met the kids well before the 4th of July, as we both clearly remember spending that day together.  We met at a very unhealthy time in both of our lives, and we didn't challenge each other to be better.  The word I always use to describe us at that time is complacent, and it's sad but it fits perfectly.  We were talking marriage almost from the beginning, and it seemed like a matter of time, probably not very much, before we'd be married.  The more serious we became, the more I secretly panicked.  I knew neither of us were in a good place, but I didn't want to let go of everything we had together.  Jason has always treated me better than I'd ever fantasized I could possibly have, and his kids have always been like my own.

In the end we agree I made the right decision to end our relationship then, but it was incredibly painful for both of us.  I carried a lot of guilt for hurting him and the kids, and if you go back through old blog entries (as Jason did before he reached out to me) you know they never left my heart.  That tormented me sometimes, as I worked my way through sobriety and grad school.  It seemed as important as that relationship was, I should have been able to leave it in the past.  I couldn't.  It gnawed at me, but because I didn't believe we should be together I never reached out.  It didn't seem fair to open up old wounds, though I suppose it was arrogant to assume Jason would still be hurt by contact with me after so long.

While I was becoming a counselor, Jason went to war.  That's how he describes it.  I always knew he loved his kids, but it's been incredible to see just how much he's willing to sacrifice for them.  I've never known a father who would fight harder for his children.  They are his world, and I'm so grateful they can be secure in that knowledge.  Knowing all they've endured, it's the most beautiful thing in the world to me when I can't sit next to him on the couch because both sides are already taken.  These kids love their daddy, and he works so hard to be worthy of it.  They all still call him "Daddy", and I love it because I still do it with my own father at 33.

Jason and I have made a lot of mistakes, before, during, and after our first attempt.  I have been blessed not to have mine publicized in the way his have been, but we understand each other's weaknesses very well.  We share many of the same challenges, and that has created a foundation far more powerful than either of us could have ever anticipated.  If you have concerns because of what you think you know, please know this: I appreciate people caring, about me, about Jason, and about Emmalynne, Garion, and Rowan.  If you have concerns, I'm comfortable hearing them.  That being said, please keep this in mind: you do not know my boyfriend.  If you know what others have said about him, you don't know him.  If you know who he was last year, you don't know him.  If you know mistakes he has made, you don't know him.

I can say with full confidence no one knows Jason like I do.  This man literally bares his soul to me, on a regular basis, somehow finding the faith in me to believe he will be safe.  He is capable of more vulnerability, transparency, and hope than anyone I have ever known.  I know the mistakes he has made.  I know how he torments himself for not making better decisions in the past.  I know how hard he tries to make all the right decisions in the present.  I know how his children's well-being dictates every single decision he makes.  I know how willing he has been to risk being hurt over and over again over the past several months as we've gotten to know each other again and he's faced the possibility I might never choose us.  I know how bravely he has faced and continues to face the consequences of his actions.  I know how much he geeks out with me over parenting articles and relationship advice.  I know he's lost 74 pounds after deciding he deserved a healthier life than the one he was living.  I know how hard he works tweaking recipes, making sure we have healthy meals even the kids can enjoy.  I know how eagerly he seeks personal growth.  I know how fiercely and unreservedly he loves me.  I know he would do anything to make me happy.  I know my man.  And man, he is good.