Life Turns in Unexpected Ways

So yesterday was more than a bit crazy.  My sister Amber & my mother threw me an absolutely perfectly-themed baby shower.  Tragically I really wasn't feeling well so I was there for a good long while before I realized how beautiful & perfect it was, for me & for our family.  I was almost 15 minutes late, & really frazzled & frustrated.  I had a hard time getting going that morning with some nausea & discomfort & just feeling funky.  I hadn't been feeling entirely mentally well for a couple days, just really not myself, but was so thrilled to see everyone & feel so much love & support for me, Jason, Tristan, &bour family.

Hot chocolate is a staple for our family, & if we had the space I imagine we would have a little bar just like this easily 6 months out of the year.  Our kids just can't get enough, & neither can we.  Amber made muddy buddies as part of the trail mix options, just because she knows I love them but I'm way too lazy to deal with the mess.  For my bridal shower I had a very clear picture of what I wanted & everyone was hugely supportive.  It was wonderful.  This time I really had no idea besides celebrating my baby with loved ones, & I was relieved when my mother told me it would be a total surprise.  I'm so blessed with a family who knows me even better than I know myself.  I loved every single part of it so much.  It was classic me, without any of my input.  It was so very me that Jason & I gave my parents a belated anniversary gift the night before which fell into the decoration scheme seamlessly.  My dad (I think?  Definitely someone) even asked my mom if I knew the theme somehow.

I was surrounded by incredible, loving women who have drastically, beautifully shaped my life.  My mom asked me to introduce everyone & I think everyone there, including my in-laws, had been well-known to me for at least about 6 years.  Many have known me since birth or elementary school, & all have demonstrated such a kind, fierce love for me and my growing family.  Of course my youngest nephew Charlie & my coworker's daughter Bailey are newer to my life, but I felt so much joy knowing my friend could volunteer to support someone we know is struggling with full confidence I would be totally on board to have her daughter there.  And hey, everyone with eyes adores Charlie.

As you can see in the pictures, I wasn't doing so hot.  My feet have been swollen to the point of feeling raw for weeks now, to such an extreme that the last few days my calf muscles have been like big long indestructible rocks fused to my shins, & my midwife restricted me to flip flops as of Monday.  That was a hard adjustment to how I view myself professionally since I HATE that obnoxious sound, especially constantly announcing my presence throughout the office.  I have gained a TON since my wedding & really struggled with craving anything & everything as long as it can't be construed as healthy.  I will give myself a little credit & say one of my favorite foods continues to be the Chicago Connection salad bar but that stuff ain't cheap & it's time-consuming which isn't desirable when you're working 8-12 hour days 4 days a week.  Sadly those super fancy delicious expensive salad bars were the only pre-wedding, healthy Code Red Lifestyle foods that didn't feel utterly repellant whenever they came to mind, so that's been a huge source of guilt, frustration, discomfort, & internal judgment.

I'm not sure why or how this became "our thing", but in my family when someone feels really strange or sick the next step is always a blood pressure check.  My mom always has her handy cuff on standby.  My midwife recommended swimming an hour a day to help manage the swelling, but Friday night was the first time we could make it happen.  I'll admit I do suck at prioritizing taking care of myself, but this was mostly me getting done for the day at work & wanting desperately to just sit on my couch & watch TV with my husband.  Not a good replacement, but a different form of trying to care for myself.  Somehow despite my best intentions, we left without checking my blood pressure that night.  I knew I was at risk for pre-eclampsia with the extreme edema, but wasn't super concerned because I'd been told what to watch for.  I occasionally got some head pain over the last few days but even during my baby shower it wasn't bad enough it ever occurred to me to try to manage it with Tylenol as recommended.

We had some down time with Jason's parents who were kind enough to travel from Burley for the shower & ate lunch with them, Charlie (well, he got a nap), his daddy James, & our kids before we took them back to their mother's house for the week.  Jason & I were both ready for a long nap, but it felt important to me to try to get a swim in at my parents' house & at the very least confirm my blood pressure was okay.  I was feeling much better than I had during parts of the shower, but it seemed like something that shouldn't wait in case there really was a problem.  As you can tell if you know anything about pregnant women, there definitely was a problem.  My blood pressure is usually great &bhad been 130/90 at my checkup Monday.  I sent the picture to my midwife & she immediately sent us to triage.  I feel so blessed to work with someone so attentive & responsive.

I figure if you've made it this far, you're not likely to get dramatic at the sight of my lovely face rolls or my big baby/organs/fat belly.  The bottom monitor is well below my navel, which is where Tristan has ALWAYS camped out.  The part of my body that actually looks like a baby belly is in fact all the organs & gut fat he has shoved out of his way to burrow into my pelvis.  So on the rare occasion someone other than his daddy tries to physically say hello to him (fortunately always someone close to me who I don't mind, no issues with having to refrain from decking creepers) I have to go "yeah sorry, that ain't him".

So we got me admitted about 3:30.  It took too long for my taste to find Tristan's heartbeat, & he dodged the monitor all night long.  Fortunately I'm used to his antics & pressed it hard into my gut towards him until his heartbeat was loud enough to calm my nerves when needed.  Before I go on I have to say that as far as we can tell, Tristan is as perfectly healthy as a baby at 32 weeks, 2 days gestation should be.  That is an incredible blessing and comfort.  They are confident they can manage his needs whenever he comes to keep him safe & get him healthy.  Modern medicine is beyond a miracle.  There are not words.

They monitored my blood pressure & while it never spiked as high as it did at home, it frequently came close.  In the first couple hours it got as low as 134/74, & my nurse brought up the possibility I'd be prescribed bed rest since I seemed to be responding well to being off my feet.  That drop didn't last, but it started to affirm something I've felt a lot but avoided acknowledging lately, that I need a break & may not be able to maintain the pace I have as scheduled until the day after I'm due.  To be clear, we set that date very deliberately because first-timers deliver on average at 41+1, so 40+1 seemed an educated guess for our safest bet.  Minimal disruption to my clients & coworkers if I went early & fairly reasonable expectations for what I could expect of myself.  My supervisors have been AMAZING & I felt comfortable with the plan we had established together.

Soon my midwife arrived & confirmed from that moment on I was officially on bedrest.  This hit me hard.  Financially we need me working as much as possible, & I love my job.  I love my coworkers.  I love the support I am able to give my clients.  I've begun having the hard conversations about me leaving, but haven't had it with a high percentage of them because I still planned to have a couple months to help them prepare.  Many will be blind-sided.  I'd felt really good about going with my gut when each client seemed ready for the news, & it had been going really well.  That being said, the informed clients planned to have two months as well.  That time was very deliberately scheduled to help them work towards graduating from counseling or feeling confident about moving on with another clinician.  I'm grateful for what I've been able to set in motion but really feeling sick and sad at how much I'll have to pass off to others I trust wholeheartedly, but who are total strangers to my clients.

Before my midwife arrived the nurse gave us the results of the blood work she had taken.  While I obviously had concerning blood pressure & they'd found protein in my urine, my liver & platelets were good which is very important.  My midwife checked my swelling, the results from all the blood pressure monitoring, & my reflexes.  Those were far from ideal.  She informed us I was on the road to pre-eclampsia & facing an induction sooner rather than later.  On the drive to the hospital Jason told Tristan he needed to cook at least another month and a half but it's becoming clear that probably won't be the case.  Pre-eclampsia can flip very quickly, & there's a strong desire (thank goodness!) to keep me from having a seizure.  My doctor has been amazing but I had recently switched over to a wonderful midwife in his office whose husband works with mine because I really wanted as natural a birth as my circumstances would allow.  I wasn't adamantly opposed to interventions or convinced just because I have a high pain tolerance I shouldn't access the resources available to me.  I just wanted to work my way through the options & see how he & I did without making any final decisions before having the information I needed to feel comfortable.  It is now unlikely any part of Tristan's birth will be natural, as the induction will hinge on my safety & I'll likely need an epidural to keep the pain from triggering an unsafe blood pressure level.  My midwife has seen seizures in women with much lower blood pressure than mine was last night so I'll do whatever they tell me is necessary to keep us both safe.

I was given a blood pressure medication, but it was well over 2 hours before my readings stabilized enough that they would let me go home.  We were in triage about 6 hours.  They did a test for antibiotics which is normally done around 36 weeks, so we'll see what that brings back.  I was given a shot of steroids to strengthen Tristan's lungs, & we'll have to go back to triage this evening for monitoring and to get me the other half of the steroid dose for him.  Butt shots are the best y'all.  Still, so very grateful they are available to protect my son.  We are praying & fighting hard to keep him cooking at least another 12 days, as babies born earlier than 34 weeks get an automatic trip to the NICU.  I am so grateful for the peace & confidence I have had that this little boy will be safe, but I may fall apart if they have to take him away from me to make that happen.  I will be devastated if that is necessary, but again, I am so grateful to feel confident they can take care of his needs so that I can be safe as well.  I feel assured we will both be better than fine if we can wait out this trial in faith.

So, at this point it is a matter of when, not if Tristan Steadman Payne will make his grand early arrival.  We knew before he was even conceived he was in a hurry to join our family but please son, just a little more patience.  We are so excited to meet you, in the right time.  I feel so intensely grateful & blessed that as my midwife repeatedly reminded me, I know my body.  I knew something wasn't right.  I knew I had to make sure we were safe.  And that right there is an indescribable gift that may have saved us both.

I'm so grateful for a loving support network of family, friends, & coworkers who have become family & friends.  I'm grateful my father & brother were willing & able to give me a priesthood blessing of comfort & strength at a moment's notice.  I'm grateful my parents offered us their home to help me with managing bedrest, & that so far going downstairs for the day and upstairs for the night is still allowed so we can be in our own home without separating me from Jason & our children.  My parents are so welcoming & generous but I couldn't stomach invading with our family of five during the times we have the children.  Our goal is keeping Tristan in my belly as long as possible which means planning "long-term" for what makes me safest first, but second most comfortable.  It's silly & maybe even a little shallow, but I'm so grateful I got to have my beautiful party before this cloud burst.  We are very blessed to have most of our needs & even some wants met.  We are trying not to overreact & buy things on a whim but the time for the prioritizing purchasing conversations is coming very quickly.

If you have read this far, you are truly a support to our family & we are so grateful.  As I lay in bed on my belly unable to sleep (I got 3-4 hours &  I will sleep more today I'm sure, stupid reflux), I know Tristan & I are safe.  As I said before he loves to hide out, so it's often I'm only really confident of his safety when I lay on him & he rebels a bit.  He is generally almost freakishly mellow, but we know he has the fight in him to face whatever challenges are coming.  Jason & I trust that we have an amazing team behind us, working hard from many different angles to give us all we could possibly need medically, spiritually, emotionally, & practically.   Thank you for all you mean to us, & for all you do for our family.  Whatever your spiritual orientation may be, we would gratefully welcome prayers, positive thoughts, & well wishes.  I may or may not be up for visits depending on the day, but it's always nice to get a reminder of how much people care when you're facing something hard.  

One final but vital, adamant request: as we have not seen our children since before I was admitted & we feel confident Tristan & I will be fine, we have chosen to wait until we see them again Friday to fill them in on the situation.  That will of course change IF circumstances change to where we deem it appropriate but not until.  We want them to see me, feel Tristan if they choose, & hear directly from us that everything will be okay.  Under absolutely no circumstances do we want ANYONE discussing this situation with them but us.  Unless you have spoken with me or Jason about it directly, please just don't.  I say please to sound polite (which I'm not) but what I mean is an emphatic DO NOT TALK TO MY CHILDREN ABOUT THIS NO MATTER WHAT.  Believe me, there will be a conversation if this happens that will not be pleasant & trust me, I need to maintain the low blood pressure & you need your emotional health left in tact.  I do not play around when it comes to my kids.  We are aware & grateful certain people support our children in both of their parents' homes, but this information is ours to share with them when we feel it is right.  Do not take that away from us.  Certain well-meaning people have approached our children at various times.  Nothing inappropriate has been said but please, if our children haven't invited you into that part of their lives don't invite yourself.  It's not okay.  They have been through hell, & they get to decide who supports them as they heal.  I realize that's a huge detour from the topic at hand but it's needed to be said for a long time & it seems immensely important for it to be understood now.

Tristan is safe.  I am well enough & being closely monitored.  Jason is struggling with feelings of helplessness (naturally) but has slept well (I think) all night which is what he needs most right now.  Our older children will be fine once we have the chance to prepare them.  Life isn't exactly what we expected, though I feel validated in my conviction that certain preparations needed to happen earlier rather than later.  Too bad all those classes I fought so hard to get will still be too late to help since I can't go.....  But life with all it's bumps is so beautiful.  I'm creating a life you guys!  Just lying here, transcribing my thoughts, listening to my husband breathe, is allowing my son to grow & gain the strength he will need for this challenging, amazing life our Heavenly Father has planned for him.  He is a miracle, & so am I.  God is so good.