I Will Follow Him

I didn't expect to write anything today.  I was adamant about sleeping, as I haven't gotten more than a couple hours each of the last two nights since Tristan was born & not nearly enough the couple nights before & during my labor.  I'm told it's fairly normal, but I want to avoid the inevitable crash.  But, I pumped for Tristan & could not go back to sleep.  As I scoured Facebook I realized I was looking for a profile that could tell me the impossible: my tiny son's future.  I began to post a status update, & this is what I realized was much too long for a mere status.

This morning I am so grateful, far beyond words, for the man I chose to be Tristan's Daddy.  When my labor started to go south, my baby sister sent me this YouTube video claiming (fairly correctly) it would make me happy.  She had no idea how differently it would affect me this time as opposed to all the others before.  I wasn't in the right place to watch it when she sent it, but as I sat alone in my room while my husband hovered attentively across the hospital as they worked on our newborn son, I watched it for the millionth time & my heart burst.

https://youtu.be/VPpd-6X3tEo

We don't know nearly enough about our son's future right now.  The NICU is a wonderfully terrible place to be.  A stranger informed me how much my own son loves his binky, because I couldn't be with him during the first several hours of his life.  They cherish & protect his precious little body in a proactive way in which we as his parents cannot.  This waiting game is hell, & we know it is likely only just beginning for us despite what a tiny piece of Tristan's life it ultimately promises to be.

Those of you who know me & Jason best know (as well as anyone but us can) what it took for us to get here, for Tristan to finally get here.  Tristan had to wait so many years for his Mommy & Daddy to grow into the parents he deserves, the partners we needed in each other.  We have felt his powerful, determined spirit so many times these last couple years driving us back together.  Before I was even ready to try dating again we went to the drive-in with our older three children & both felt so strongly, despite how ridiculous it was fitting five people in the back of his Nissan for the length of two movies, that a baby would fit perfectly in the exact same place in that chaos.  We moved up our wedding date multiple times due to a deep conviction it was vital we move forward together as soon as possible.  We learned of Tristan's existence almost as soon as it was humanly possible to have been given the divine gift of creating him.  Tristan is the embodiment of all Jason & I have worked to become, as individuals and as husband & wife.

We are afraid.  We are humbled.  Our hearts hurt in a way we never imagined possible every time our child suffers some new torture which will ultimately save his life.  I pray I never get a wakeup call like the one I received yesterday asking me to approve a lumbar puncture on my twenty-hour-old son.  I have never felt so sick & powerless in my entire life.  And yet, I look beside me & I know.  More than anything else in my entire life I know an infinitely loving, wise Heavenly Father set me & Jason on this path back to each other for so many eternally beautiful reasons.  We have committed to building a life together which guarantees we are never alone.  We are never insufficient for the crisis at hand, no matter how much we fear otherwise, because we are together.  I didn't cry when Tristan was born.  I felt peace.  His daddy was right there when I couldn't be.  I know what a burden that was for Jason to carry on behalf of both of Tristan's parents, but I entrusted him with it with all of my heart.

Jason Payne, you'll always be my true love, from now until forever.  There isn't an ocean too deep, a mountain so high it can keep me away.  Wherever you may go, even though I may occasionally have to follow instead of going beside you like in the hours after Tristan's birth, I will always be there.  I know I am never alone, & I am so grateful for you.  You are the daddy I waited all these years to find for the children my heart felt waiting (maybe a bit impatiently - Tristan) on the other side of the veil.  I know we will do whatever it takes to support each other as we support Tristan.  Alone, this feels impossible.  Together, it's.....crushing.  But we will make it.  I love you.  I love the beautiful child we have created together.  This is one unspeakably hard moment in our eternity, but it IS a moment.  We will remind each other of that as many times as it takes until it becomes true.  Somehow, sooner than we can possibly believe, we will be on the other side of this.  We will FINALLY make eternal commitments to each other with our healthy, strong little boy by our side.  You are my forever, & he is ours.  Whatever else comes, I know you are with me.