My Boys Worth Fighting For

 I've had so many thoughts this week, so many things I want to say.  I'm not even sure which feels most important, but this one keeps coming back so maybe I'll start here.

My beautiful boys.

How I hope and pray someday you will know just how hard I have fought for you, especially this week.  Meeting with a state representative and a senator to urge them to change existing laws has been intimidating to say the least, causing a not-insignificant amount of fear and feelings of being insufficient.

I hope one day you know how much I fought for your children, for your right to be a father so many years before that desire ever crossed your minds.  

And I hope that not because I need the recognition, not because I hope for your gratitude.

No.  I pray you realize one day just how hard I have fought for you because I hope you will understand it is because you are so very worth fighting for.

My heart breaks as I recognize how much this world is already trying to show you that you have nothing unique or valuable to offer.  Your masculinity, your beautiful strength, mocked and criticized and labeled replaceable and replicable.

For my two oldest boys, I wonder and worry what messages you have received and are receiving in your own home.  Seeing your father forced from your lives, relegated to a visitor, being told you only needed your mother, what could you possibly believe about the value of a father, your own value to your future children, when the woman who herself created you insisted her partner in doing so wasn't necessary?

The snide comments about your gender, how I hope what little time I have can somehow erase them.  Being convinced the hurt done to you was nothing, everything you were robbed of was somehow for your good, how I hope one day you see otherwise.  And not because of some ridiculous imaginary victory.  No.  You deserve to see what you could have had yourselves, what you should have had, so that you never ever stop working to give it to your own children.

How I pray my efforts combine with those of others to ensure that when you do make mistakes, if they include a failed marriage, you will not also be forced into failure as a father.  You three wonderful human beings have such an incalculable amount of love to give.  It radiates from you.  It surrounds everyone who knows you.  I can scarcely imagine what incredible people will be honored to be raised by you.

I felt so much anxiety, had such a terrible time sleeping, worrying that somehow something I would say would be the thing to convince people to vote against this measure.  It angers, infuriates me that I have to wage a battle for my grandchildren's rights to their fathers before their mothers even learn your names.  You deserve so much better, my sweet, wonderful boys.  You deserve a world that cherishes your goodness, your brilliance, your work ethic, your laughter, your curiosity.  And it cuts to the deepest part of my soul that I cannot make this world be that for you.

But if there is anything I know, it is that I will do everything in my power to ensure you never wonder.  The whole world may question your worth.  I pray you surround yourselves with people who see you for all the amazing, brilliant, beautiful things that you are.  But even if you don't, you will know, always and forever.  I am on your side.  Every single second.  Every single day.  I am here.

And you my sons?  You are absolutely everything.