There's something close to my heart I've struggled for a long while to put into words. I'm not sure I have the right words now either, but I'm so tired of these tragic thoughts I have to try. I am a marriage and family counselor. I come from and now raise my children in deeply complicated family dynamics. I am also raising my children and supporting my clients in a world where, for better and for worse, mental health is more a topic of discussion than ever before.
Why do I say that can be for worse? It is because I constantly see that knowledge, or presumption of that knowledge, misused and abused. My heart hurts, truly aches, with the perpetual stream of spouses, in-laws, celebrities, friends, children, parents, labeled "bipolar", "toxic", "narcissist", "borderline", "gaslighting", etc. Offering an alternative suggestion, such as "maybe your husband's opinions matter too when it comes to raising your children" (to borrow a popular issue I face in my various social media parenting groups) is viciously attacked and immediately shut down.
When they learn my chosen profession, people frequently ask how often I see couples come in with only one partner wanting to do the work. It is always so easy, so automatic for me to respond "never. Not ever". And of course I have not worked with every couple in the world, and not every couple would ever consider going to marriage counseling. But, if you were to ask me "how often do couples come in with both partners believing they are the only one doing the work?" my response would be equally easy but not quite as absolute: "almost always".
As both a society and probably as a species, human beings are woefully blind to our own flaws and mistakes. I find the vast majority of the time when "cutting ties" is suggested, it is because that route is so much easier than doing the work to address our own 'enduring vulnerabilities' (thank you Gottmans!) and communicate respectfully to set reasonable boundaries. That work is SO HARD. But the ability to be uncomfortable, to learn, to stretch ourselves? It's absolute magic! And it is one of my greatest joys to witness it unfolding.
I've had the privilege the last month or so to take on my first counseling intern. She has noticed that with my couples and families, I 'cheerlead' more than I ever would with any individual client. I work very hard not to be a cheerleader for my individual clients. External motivation can only take any of us so far. It's vital for my clients to learn to make change because they want and deserve better, and that can only come from within them. That being said, family sessions, whether couples, siblings, in-laws, parent(s)/child(ren) require such a massive level of courage and vulnerability. Since often family members are not ready or able (yet) to recognize that effort, I do. It's an important skill for me to model for my clients to learn to do it for each other. Gottmans are all about building a culture of appreciation and so am I.
Here is where I need to be emphatically clear: there ARE truly toxic, unsafe people in this world. Although the list is exceptionally small, there are people in my history with whom I have had absolutely no contact ever again. Those people have been, in the truest sense of these words, abusive and downright dangerous to have around the people I love who I have taken the responsibility to protect. And then there are certain people in my life I wish I could never see, hear from, hear about ever, EVER again. They have done people I love great harm. But even those people I work very hard to do whatever I can to support them becoming better, because I have to believe they can be. I need that hope for the people we both love, because they deserve it.
Recently I have had to have hard conversations with some of my clients about using these terms irresponsibly. Again to be clear, it is never my place to tell my clients who should or should not be in their lives. Self-determination is a vital part of counseling. It is however sometimes my responsibility as their advocate to suggest they might be avoiding responsibility in a way which impedes their ability to progress in areas where they have specifically asked me to support them. This is especially true in couples and families when patterns of dysfunctional, hurtful actions persist but each party feels more comfortable recognizing the actions of the other, insisting they would never do such a thing if the other party hadn't done what they did. See how easy it is to get completely stuck?
Here's the thing y'all: cycles are circles. They never start, or stop, with a specific event. They just keep going around and around, making the people stuck inside of them sick, until someone breaks that cycle. Yes, the simplest way to do that might be removing yourself from that cycle. What I'm suggesting is considering that if you are part of that cycle (as most of us are), removing the other piece of the cycle from your life probably won't stop you from perpetuating it in the future.
There is so much value in recognizing what is and isn't healthy. I'm thrilled those conversations are happening. My concern is that as a society we seem to be swinging to the other extreme where hurtful mistakes are labeled as a deep character flaw and pattern of intentional harm. People, especially internet trolls, are so quick to label poor communication skills and difficulty taking responsibility as "gaslighting". Defensiveness IS a toxic interaction pattern. It's one of the four predictors of divorce for numerous reasons. But automatically labeling it as malicious leaves no opportunity for the other person, or us, to learn and grow and change.
My very wise colleague Jason Johnson, LCSW has a beautiful metaphor I especially identify with looking back on my own healing. Per my imperfect recreation, he dips his hand in water. "Is my hand water?" "No......" "Is my hand wet because it was in water?" "Yes!" None of us had any choice in the environments that formed us. That is valuable to recognize. But if we believe leaving that environment is all we need to do to live our lives independent of whatever pains we suffered in those environments, I would lovingly suggest we will end up recreating that environment, or the opposite extreme in an effort to avoid it, instead of deliberately, healthily creating the life we truly desire.
SO. To summarize some very big, very complicated, arguably controversial thoughts: please be cautious of unhealthy sound bites representing themselves as the ideal for mental health. Over, and over, and over again, in my life and in the lives of my clients, when we choose to do the work, it so often pays off. It doesn't always. I can't pretend that it does. But I am so grateful for the times I've chosen to see other people as hurt and healing, just like me. I was recently thanked for that effort by one of the people I cherish most in my life, because resorting to hate would be so much easier. If we do the work to change, even if the other person/people don't join us on the ride, we will be the drivers in our own futures. Not our trauma. Not our anger. Not our grief. Not our fear. Just us, as healthy, happy, whole, healing individuals. And what greater gift could we give ourselves than that?
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