You'll Never Walk Alone

 

"I can't tell you any sure way to happiness.  I only know that you've got to go out and find it for yourself.  [...] The world belongs to you as much as to the next feller, so don't you give it up.  And try not to be scared of people not liking you.  Just you try liking them.  And just keep your faith, and your courage, and you'll turn out alright".

"Believe him darling.  Believe".

This week hasn't been much different than the usual grind, appointments and/or work every day.  Today is crazy, but not until big boys get out of school, so Tristan & Mommy have some down time.  Most days if I turn on YouTube it's something super upbeat, Mamma Mia or something that gets me moving & ideally convinces Tristan to sing & dance while I get ready for us to run out the door.  For some reason today it was classical musicals.  Much better suited to my voice, but less activating.  Tristan seems to love (almost) all kinds of music like me, so naturally he was happily singing along with me.  I'm not sure how because I do NOT know it well, but we started off with "Someday".  Then there was "When You're in Love", "Moon River", "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", "Ol' Man River", and of course the butchering of "The Trolley Song".

Inevitably I settled on choosing something from "Carousel" or "Oklahoma" and foolishly stumbled into "You'll Never Walk Alone".  It seems there are some things I may never do again without tears streaming down my face, unable to breathe enough to get out a single word.  And I was perfectly fine seconds before!!!!!

Making friends as adults is hard.  It's a different hard from childhood.  I'm incredibly blessed with wonderful friends I've collected in different places and stages of my life who are so much better at keeping tabs on me than me on them.  The last several months I've had the privilege of gaining a couple new friends whose presence in my life has proven timely.

My oldest son Garion's girlfriend Faith is the cutest thing, so sassy.  I love it.  He used to say how she reminded him of me but I think he realized we were both taking it as waaaaaay too big a compliment so that's stopped now.  Her mother Jen is just.... wonderful.  There's something so very special about someone who just sees you, gets you right away.  The day we met (Halloween), Garion & I went to drop off Faith after getting to enjoy her company all day.  I waited for Garion to walk Faith to the door, & he came back informing me Faith's parents were insisting we come inside.  Garion & I had so much fun talking with Faith, Jen, Chris, & Kayla that Jason (home with the other 3 kids) eventually called concerned we were dead in a ditch.  We just clicked!!  Her affirming, loving personality has been such a gift to me.  She is amazingly talented at paying the deepest compliments with the most beautiful sincerity.  I'm so grateful.

My most recent new friend I've known of for almost 2.5 years now, the magic of social media.  Her daughter is a couple months younger than Tristan, and her husband's cousin and I were in labor at the same time.  Their daughter faced tremendous struggles at birth, far beyond Tristan's, and a group was created to seek prayers and keep loved ones (and total strangers!) informed.  During one of our many, many hangouts in the parking garage waiting for the elevator to take us to yet another appointment, I recognized the man who was also waiting.  I couldn't place him, & suddenly his daughter faced us & I couldn't be silent.  I told him how happy I was to see her healthy & happy, & a little bit about Tristan's similar challenges & miracles we've experienced.  When we got upstairs his wife appeared, we talked very briefly, & I asked if it would be okay to reach out to her on Facebook.  Thank goodness they didn't find the whole thing creepy and agreed.

This friendship has given me the unexpected but welcome opportunity to put words to grief and fear and hope and gratitude so few could possibly understand.  The future is still full of questions, for each of our children, & I'm so grateful to have someone to go through this with whose child is so close in age to Tristan.  There have been so many feelings, thoughts, fears, questions I'm not sure we even realized were hiding somewhere that have come out because of this unique opportunity.  It's a blessing to know another mother for whom grief & hope are so closely, constantly entangled.

I'm tired, all the time.  More often than not I'm convinced the whole world is on my shoulders.  I definitely haven't had any burning bush moments promising my son's future will be everything I dream of, much as the deepest parts of my heart plead for them.  But I continue to be surrounded by enough.  Enough to keep rolling out of bed towards the next appointment.  Enough to keep being respectful when I'm not being respected.  Enough to keep working, hoping, praying.  Enough to know I'm being upheld, just enough.

Listening to the ending of "Carousel", Billy telling Louise to believe.  I felt....surrounded.  Lifted.  Held.  I've had very few similar experiences in my life, most in a hospital or temple.  I couldn't tell you who was there.  Who knew, on a random, temporarily mellow day, I still needed to be protected, comforted, loved.  It's just a feeling, but I swear I couldn't tell who was standing beside me because there were too many to tell.  More loved ones, angels, working on behalf of my beautiful baby, me, my husband, all my children, than I could possibly comprehend.  I am never, ever alone, so much farther from alone than I ever imagined.

"And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me [...] and I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, [...] and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions".  -Mosiah 24:13-14

"When you walk through a storm

Hold your head up high

And don't be afraid of the dark [...]

Walk on through the wind

Walk on through the rain

Though your dreams be tossed and blown

Walk on, walk on

With hope in your heart

And you'll never walk alone

You'll never walk alone"

Never.