I've been working on this entry for awhile. Some pieces, probably about 9 years now. Others only a month or so. Probably partially because there's so much I want to say I think I've come up with (at least) three separate entries' worth of material. But also because as desperate as I am to speak out, most of this story isn't mine to tell.
In wrestling with my feelings over this, I have found it vital to remember that most of it - the negative parts, the parts that feel so important to protect - have already been shared, over and over and over again. Me speaking out now is an effort to share, with a similar level of publicity, the parts that were left out. I've pondered, sometimes incessantly - don't ask me when I finally fell asleep last night, I don't even know - and I'm not sure there will ever be the perfect words to make everyone comfortable. But that's just it. Nothing I am about to say should make anyone feel comfortable. Not at all. It should cause deep discomfort, hopefully so intense it drives action. So I've done my best to protect the people I love, as best I can, while feeling deep in my soul the urgency to also seek to protect them by actively advocating for them.
Advocacy. My calling as a counselor. As a mother. A wife. A stepmother. A follower of God. A woman. A daughter, sister, aunt, granddaughter. A human being.
A close friend texted me weeks ago, prompting me to finally begin putting these numerous thoughts into words. He asked if I have been following the Johnny Depp case. I have to admit, my personal and professional investment would probably prompt me to follow every tiny update were it not for how much it brings up negative feelings I am trying to process for the sake of my family. This friend knows, even better than I do, the suffering which has recently played out on an inexcusably public stage. He, like my husband, has been put in the position numerous times of having to defend his relationship with his children, their right to a relationship, and his innocence amidst horrific, devastating accusations.
In family court this is known as the silver bullet. People, tragically most often women, make statements that, as Johnny Depp said, ruin lives forever. It is difficult for me as a counselor to disagree with the idea of guilty until proven innocent, as in theory it protects our precious children. Where I struggle is having seen the impact when someone is finally proven innocent. There is no retribution. There is no justice. There is no going back. The devastation caused is often, if not always, irreparable. And there are no consequences for the accuser. I have never, in all my years as a family counselor and member of the equal parenting advocacy community, heard of a single charge of perjury in family court. Not one.
It is one of my deepest hopes that this case will be a catalyst for change in that area. It is also my fear that the extreme nature of this particular case, with a severed fingertip, feces on furniture, and despicable statements documented from both sides, will all somehow be used to label this case as an outlier. It is incredibly painful for a man to report he has been the victim of abuse. I should say a male, as we know reports of sexual abuse against males are woefully underreported regardless of age. It has been years since statements were made, potentially ending an incredible career, which a jury has now found to have been defamatory. How disturbing to have such a public conflict, but how wonderful to have a case call into question so many of our most basic subconscious assumptions as a society.
For my husband, there never has been nor will there ever be this kind of resolution. Accusations were made and he lost his children, for months. My children lost their father. My husband's reputation, for some, will always be in question. My children may always be put in the position by nosy, inappropriately/excessively-informed individuals, of either walking away, or addressing the truth. Can you imagine what that would require of them? Having to choose which parent to betray? Inexcusable. My husband’s situation was given just enough publicity to cause people with little or no connection to him to forever render judgment.
I should add here, that some kind, caring people have altered their assumptions. I was raised in this community, and many know me and my family well. Various experiences, including my adamant defense of my husband, have caused them to question and even express skepticism or outright denial of the information they were given years ago. How beautiful, the humility to acknowledge you were wrong, accept responsibility for wrongly assuming the worst and taking someone's word at face value. How we appreciate you, more than we can say.
When my husband’s innocence was finally proven, the damage done to his relationships with our children was used to cause him to have even less time with them than he had before the accusations were made. What a coincidence. Instead of recognizing the need for additional time to create opportunities to heal, it was believed the absolute bare minimum would somehow be sufficient. How ludicrous. How professionally embarrassing. Through many miracles, a lot of humility and vulnerability, somehow those relationships have healed. Some more than others, but more than my husband ever believed possible after everything they all suffered. Tragically, this is common. Wedges are placed to create distance, and then when the wedge is pulled out all that is seen is the damage, the gaping divide. Its deliberate creation is ignored and indeed reinforced by the court system instead of given the tools and opportunities to truly heal.
My husband, eventually, was given a rare but tremendous gift. Unlike most in his position, the veracity of the accusations levied against him were proven to be untrue. How do you prove a negative? How could anyone? The tragic, impossible position of virtually every person ever falsely accused.
A mental health professional got lazy or vengeful, who knows. Reports that were never, ever made were documented and submitted to the court. For my husband, not only did the system work against him in exploring what was actually reported, but it actively created additional barriers towards his vindication. For one of my children, the mental health professional treating them told them that even though they had never reported being abused, she was positive it had happened due to all the somatic symptoms they experienced. The only possible interpretation was for them to have been abused, by their father. The only cause this individual could conceive was that allegations made by someone other than my child were in fact true. My child was told this individual hoped they would someday feel comfortable telling her what had actually happened. WHAT???? Again, both tragic and professionally embarrassing. Thank goodness she was at least honest about this assumption so that the parenting time evaluator could recommend an immediate change to allow my husband to repair the damage done to his relationship with this child.
Until recently this is something that has never been discussed, including as a family, out of respect for our children’s difficult position. As I am a step removed from all the pain caused, not having been present when these things happened, this child has felt comfortable talking to me about everything I have learned through pouring through various court documents, interviews, parenting evaluations, and all the other horrible things my husband and children were put through to win back their right to have relationships with one another. Before we ever married, my husband was completely transparent. He not only supported but actively facilitated me reviewing every piece of documentation so that I could be confident in my decision to marry and raise children with him despite all the garbage that had been thrown at him.
Again, I don’t know the exact right answer. I'm not certain one exists. I know, more than most who have been fortunate enough to avoid the kind of abuse my husband was accused of committing, just how severe and pervasive and devastating the impacts are on the victims. I am fortunate and honored to work and interact with those incredible survivors on a daily basis. I would never, ever suggest that we should doubt reports when they are made. More so, that our system be challenged to believe everyone who makes reports while also being set up with the opportunity to prove innocence without bias and hold those firing silver bullets accountable in a court of law, with the same amount of publicity they made their accusations.
As I said, multiple mental health professionals created additional obstacles for my husband and children to move forward and heal. I don’t know their motives. I choose to believe they thought they were protecting my children, and I want to be grateful. That is a noble goal, and yet it is truly miraculous that my husband and children have recovered as well as they have. I would be naïve to think we are past the grief those actions have caused. I know we are not.
In the case of Johnny Depp, I don’t know how or why but recordings have been produced stating what I believe often goes on in the minds of people who perpetrate false accusations and physical abuse against men. In my husband’s case, the only thing that saved him was finding the video proof of what reports had been made and comparing them to the written summaries which had been submitted to the court. A vital (supposed) mistake was made in the documentation which, until it was uncovered, utterly damned my husband to likely never having unsupervised access to his children ever again. The claim was the author of these summaries got mixed up. If so, not only were my husband’s children kept from him unlawfully, but children who actually were in danger were sent back to an abusive parent. Neither possibility is a tolerable mistake.
For the sake of my coparenting relationship, I choose to believe that the circumstances which led to my husband and children going through all these things were created out of fear, not malice. I can’t get there with accusations made prior to this situation, which laid the foundation for my husband to be questioned and doubted every step of the way, in addition to numerous other financial and legal difficulties. Unfortunately I can't find any rational way to interpret those actions as innocent, and I continue to struggle with that. My family continues to struggle.
Do I know the whole truth about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard? Of course not. I have read some truly vile things. Based on what little I've been unable to avoid learning, as a mental health professional I lean towards believing the possibility that not even the two of them know. I have had to (try to learn to) make peace with the fact that mental health problems can cause history to quite literally be rewritten, internally anyway. So, I have no idea if Johnny Depp is innocent. Honestly, I doubt it. But I do believe that Amber Heard is not.
"Tell people it was a fair fight and see what the jury and the judge thinks, tell the world, Johnny".
"Tell them, I Johnny Depp, I am a victim too of domestic violence. You know, it's a fair fight and see how many people believe or sides with you".
I guess I intend to build on this eventually, as my brain finds the right words. I have never been subtle about my passion for every child's right to an equal relationship with each of their parents, ideally in the same household but if not, that right becomes even more precious to preserve. But for now... I guess I just want to grieve. Grieve a world where people commit evil acts against each other in the first place, especially against our innocent children. A world where anyone could be aware of such suffering and think "hey, if I say that happened to me I can get what I want!" A world where children are coached to say things that children should never have to know happen to anyone, ever. A world where a reputation can be lost and sometimes, never redeemed.
And then, maybe celebrate. Be grateful for a world where sometimes, there is a little bit of justice. Sometimes, some measure of the truth does come out. And especially, that sometimes, what seems impossible to repair is somehow miraculously mended.
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