I'll Be What You Want Me to Be

Church today was emotional for me.  Sacrament meeting was beautiful, several testimonies borne by service missionaries and their leaders.  It reminded me of the opportunity given to my grandparents to serve despite my grandfather being essentially homebound, tethered to his oxygen.  They asked the congregation to listen to them sing the first two verses of "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go", and then join in on the final verse.  I struggled through it until the final "I'll be what you want me to be".  I was overwhelmed, failing miserably at choking back tears, & there was no way I could get that out.

Who my Heavenly Father wants me to be is so very different from who I want to be.  I never wanted to be a special needs mom.  I had a rough session this week with a family getting a lifelong diagnosis.  I remember a friend talking about how people say "you're doing so great!" & this feeling of "and the alternative is?"  I'm so honored, humbled, grateful I was chosen to be Tristan's mother.  But the road that takes feels so hard.  I find that instead of getting easier, things seem harder.  I'm less raw thank goodness, but so tired.  Definitely feeling that concept of "it's not how heavy something is, it's how long you hold it".

There's a responsibility, with greater need than ever before right now (to my knowledge) that I have felt called to someday fill since I was Tristan's age.  Since Tristan's birth, that has felt impossible.  Or at the very least, legitimately terrifying.  But that desire hasn't gone away as much as the challenges and risks continue to fill my mind.  If anything it has increased, though the fear grows with it.  But I keep evaluating when, how, and today it felt so urgent to at least start moving forward in faith.

Since before Tristan's birth I have sung to him "you will leave me, leave to serve the Lord".  Though there have been many other fears, hopes, dreams on our minds since learning the potential impact of his brain injury, Tristan's ability to serve a mission, should that be what he wants to do with his life, has been fairly high on the list.  Probably because we know the cognitive, motor, emotional development necessary for such a decision to be an option for him.  I feel so grateful I've never had any concerns about his spiritual development.  Tristan's love for and connection to his Savior is truly amazing to behold.

Tristan has had an emotional past few days.  We don't know why, just a bit solemn and sometimes sad needing extra love.  We all slept in, & then Tristan & I snuggled while Jason showered.  My Instagram feed has gone a bit nuts with suggestions of ASL, CP, Downs Syndrome, other challenges families are eager to share, to show the different ways scary things can be faced.  I've seen a treatment where providers come to an area & do intensives with interested families, but haven't (yet) figured out how to make that happen.  A different opportunity, maybe more doable popped up today.  I sent it to Jason & we headed to church before either of us could explore it much.

Listening to those wonderful young men & women, I felt a sense of urgency to see if we can connect Tristan with this treatment.  More importantly, I felt great confidence that no matter what Tristan's future holds, he will find so many ways to serve his Heavenly Father.  Maybe not the way I hope, & someday I'll have to make peace with that.  But it was such a blessing for me to understand, so much better than I ever have before, that if Tristan wants to serve a mission the way will be laid out before him.  And a wonderful reminder that our precious boy's whole life has already been and will continue to be a beautiful opportunity to share with the world the miracles of God.  

As always, the future is intimidating.  As plans & dreams I have often go unrealized, I hope only for now, I get bogged down.  I get sad.  I get afraid.  I get overwhelmed and exhausted.  Based on the last few years, it seems my Heavenly Father sees a LOT more in me than I see in myself.  But I'm never alone.  Maybe if I remembered that more, I wouldn't have quite so many reminders.  Here's to figuring this all out, one hour at a time.