The Windows of Heaven

With my younger sister's wedding this past month and my baby sister gone off to college, I've been pondering a lot of things.  Ten years ago this week that was me, struggling to be certain I'd made the right decision to leave my family & my home when I really had no idea why.  I only knew that the child I'd lost inside myself had always dreamed of going to Brigham Young University like my mommy & daddy.  Events unfolded ten years ago that would...knock me off my path more than a bit, & from there it became more challenging than ever.  But the things that happened that year & before that set my life on this path are not all mine to share, & certainly not in a forum so public as this.  Suffice it to say my family & I were tested before, during, & since my time at BYU in ways that I can guarantee you none of us ever imagined.  That being said, my pondering has not centered around all the challenges we endured.  It has been focused upon marveling upon all the blessings our family has gained, blessings equally as unexpected as the trials which have prepared us to receive them.

Four years ago my younger brother married the woman he intended to be his companion for eternity, & I feel confident in saying few things have been more painful & challenging for my family than everything involved in that situation.  I can't pretend that my poor little mortal brain will fathom the ways the Lord guided my brother through all of that any time in this life, but I'm grateful to know that He has & continues to do so.  Again in ways we will never understand, as my brother was tested in a difficult marriage & divorce, the love of his life was also prepared for him.  I have never seen him happier or more secure in his place in this world than since he became a husband to Tricia, & a father to Lincoln.  Again, a scenario we never imagined that has brought unimaginable joy to our lives.  I love my silly, sweet, loving little nephew, & my wacky, dramatic sister who shares my ridiculous neuroses, who worries and prays for me constantly, & loves me & my family always.

Three years ago our family was preparing for the wedding of my baby brother, as he got a crash course in how to be a daddy.  His wonderful wife went through hell & back for them & their three beautiful daughters to become a forever family.  He too has never been more at home (even than on the football field!) than when he is snuggling his wife & playing with his little girls' ears.  He loves being a daddy, & I know not one of us would change anything about the circumstances that brought these amazing spirits into our family.

And then there's my new brother Ryan.  I adored that kid way before he fell in love with my sister, & I couldn't be more thrilled that he is my brother.  We were pen pals his whole mission, & I've always known he was a terrifically loyal friend.  That knowledge makes me so grateful that he has chosen to shower that love & loyalty on my sister.  He doesn't like to talk about it because he is secure in who he has become, but he went through a great deal to become the incredible man that he is, & I am so proud of him & happy for my sister.

And the people who made this all possible - my parents.  They've been through so much pain and survived so many trials, and only the fiercest love, determination, & faith has pulled them through.  I'm grateful to know that it always will.  They've set the example my baby sister needs to courageously set forth on this new path, wherever it may lead her.  I hope & pray that it leads her to some gorgeous, spiritual, strong, determined, loving man who happens to be giddy at the thought of living in the Treasure Valley because let's be honest.  We'd all be crushed if she goes elsewhere at the end of this college journey of hers.

And last, me.  I made a temporarily heart-breaking decision recently.  I had the chance to have my own family, with a man who loved me, & his three wonderful children.  Nothing is more difficult to turn away from than the fantasy of all you've ever wanted.  I am blessed to have people in my life, mostly family, who reinforce all that my heart tells me, & constantly remind me of all that I deserve & will one day have.  I'm not sure when that will be.  I'd like to pretend I'm ready now.  But I know I'm not, & more than that, my Heavenly Father knows.  He loves me too much to set me up to lose all I've ever wanted.  When the time is right, & when I am right, I will have all of those things.  He has promised me that.  & while I may not often have sufficient faith in myself, I do in my Father & in my Savior.  I don't often know how to exercise that faith, but I do know that it is there.  & for this very particular moment in time, that is enough.  

And my grateful spirit sings.