Believe in Good Things to Come

I've been thinking a lot lately, probably not more than usual, but about moving forward.  My whole life I have felt trapped, stuck, without options.  Obviously a huge part of that was due to my addiction, but there were other components as well.  The thing is, I tried.  I tried over & over & over again.  I did not have it in me to beat this addiction before I finally did.  I remember so many, many nights, desperately pleading, gasping, sobbing, begging God, saying "I can't do this anymore.  I don't have it in me to try & fail again.  Please make this the time".  And yet it never was.  

More than anything that scares me about hoping to work with addicts after I receive my license.  I don't have a formula.  I can't say "do this & it will work".  I do not know why this time worked.  Obviously I know that "rehab", & the foundation of healing & intimate, genuine, safe friendships I established there were a huge component.  Leaving my life behind was absolutely vital, so that I could begin to know myself without all of the noise.  But really, ultimately, it wasn't about me.  I can't tell you what was different.  I can't tell you what changed.

So much of my life I set boundaries, telling myself "I'll never cross this line".  Make no mistake, I knew what I was doing was wrong.  I was never one of those people who justified my actions because I could have been doing something worse.  I always knew it was wrong, but I couldn't stop.  So I had to make some way to feel as if I weren't the worst possible person to walk the planet.  That last year or so....boy I stomped all over those lines.  There was nothing left.  I obliterated them.  And that my friends is what they call rock bottom.  But I was still stuck there for about sixteen months, just a little bit less time than I've been sober now.  Even crashing face first into complete & utter despair wasn't enough to set me on the path to redemption.

Matthew helped.  Realizing that it was possible for me to be more, to have more, to leave it all behind, absolutely helped.  That tiny speck of hope that maybe somehow all wasn't lost helped.  My amazing bishop, who somehow knew that to condemn me further would leave me broken beyond repair, oh that inspired man helped such a tremendous amount.  My counselor, who never thought I would haul off & be registered by my next appointment but still had enough faith in me to give me the opportunity to consider going to "rehab", she helped.  But ultimately it all came down to one simple fact: God decided it was time for me to rise.

(I wish I could post the video of my friend Katie because she is amazing but...this will do).

Sunday while listening to General Conference (no idea what talk - topic, speaker, nothing), it hit home to me once again: this time was easy.  To be clear, getting sober was hell.  There are still days (like this morning with those damned user dreams beating in my brain) when a relapse seems like a nice little vacation.  But here's what I never had before, in all those times when I was trying so desperately: the peaceful certainty that this is my life now.  More than just now, this is my life forever.  

I wish I had some incredible knowledge of how to move on, how to make a new life.  I don't.  It wasn't me.  I gave up so many times, in so many ways.  I didn't believe it was possible.  I believed with 99% of my soul that I was completely lost, unlovable, unredeemable.  And then one day, I believed I was redeemable with 2% of my soul & allowed that belief to continue to grow.  I think I still hover somewhere between 60-75%, but that's more than enough for my Savior to make a workable project out of me.  I don't know why I had to wait so long.  I don't know why my efforts before weren't enough.  But more than ever, I know that somehow, some way all our trials are able to make us the greatest possible children of God we could ever be, if we will only submit to His will.

Please understand, I'm not saying the Lord wanted me to be an addict.  I haven't figured that part out yet.  On my darkest days, I feel like He set me up.  I know that isn't the way to feel the love of my Father & my Savior.  So I don't stay there.  But some part of me does wonder if maybe He knew that I would need a way through all the pain, & He knew that one day the way would be prepared for me to leave this all behind.  This blog, these attempts to be vulnerable & honest as I heal have already blessed me to touch others, some I knew shared my struggles & some I didn't.  I know that my Heavenly Father has so many beautiful purposes ahead of me.  I don't like the path I took, but I know I am grateful to be who I have become.

Our church has such tremendous programs in place for women to take care of one another.  The message last month concerned the woman in the Bible who suffered on & on & on with no cure for her health problems.  She spent all she had to no avail.  I truly believe that is my story as well.  I lost everything I had, within myself, in the pursuit of regaining my soul.  The part I shared with my friend that always touches me about this story?  After all she suffered, she still had the faith to try once more.  She knew Jesus Christ had the power to heal her.  



If you are in this position, doubting yourself, doubting God, doubting that there is anything ahead for you but more pain, I plead with you, borrowing the words of an apostle of God: