Proud & Grateful, to Be An American, & to Know You

Alright so I have an hour between class that I REALLY should be using to do homework but I don't want to!!! I'll pay for it later, all well. Last night I had an experience that caused me to reflect a bit. A good friend from karate came in to teach a seminar on takedowns & ground fighting which was a whole lot of fun. He hasn't been around much the past couple years due to family obligations which is fine, we all understand that, priorities & whatnot. But the thing is, the last time Todd saw me I was attached to a few IVs, pretty sure I had a central line going into my heart, stylin' in a hospital gown & glasses, wheeling around my IV pole, my guts all wrapped up, I mean I was hot, let me tell ya.



So naturally he asked how I was doing, if I'm all better, etc. I don't know if it's normal to think about this stuff so much. I don't know all that many people who've had experiences as severe as mine was, but I think about it ALL THE TIME. I almost died! & not only that, but I almost died & I didn't even care! That sounds horrible but I knew how sick I was, & I stayed home. When it really hit me that I was dying, I went to the hospital, but I was that miserable with myself & who I was. I haven't made as many changes in the 15 months since I was released from the hospital as I would like. I'm still afraid to get close to people, I gained back all 50 pounds I had lost, I still get overwhelmed & panic over stupid things, but I am trying. This leads me to my other thought that's been bouncing around for a couple days.

I have this incredible friend. Truly, he is. He is so much better & stronger & more caring than he could ever see in himself, & that is kind of heartbreaking for me but we'll keep working on it. See, this friend, well, he's like me. He can see things people are hiding, fears they don't want anyone to know about, & he did it to me in a rather brutally blunt way. He called me out, bigtime. Was it very nice? Uh, no, it had me crying in the fetal position actually, quite unpleasant. But I desperately needed to have it happen. I need people in my life who break down those walls, because I try so very hard to hide from the world, & I am so very very good at it. Breaking down those walls, confronting those fears, that is the ONLY way I can ever be truly healthy & happy, because until I do I will continue to hide & literally feed that pain. It sucks, but it's the truth.



Now this friend left at 4:30AM yesterday to go to basic training for the United States Air Force in San Antonio, Texas. For me, it sucks. He's more or less out of texting & calling range for the next five months. I sent him off with postcards, who knows how often he'll use them. But he spoke in church Sunday, about how excited he is to serve this country & how grateful & blessed he is to live here & enjoy so many wonderful freedoms. I'm a rather patriotic girl myself. You'll never catch me, but I tear up EVERY TIME I hear/sing "The Star-Spangled Banner". I sing patriotic songs to myself all the time, & since I was a child "Proud to Be An American"has been at the top of my favorite songs list. I LOVE this country. I love the freedoms it affords me to worship as I choose, & the values it was founded upon. I love & praise those brave & selfless enough to serve it, & consequently me, without complaint, some of whom I am privileged enough to know & love. I can't finish this entry here at school, because I want to give those people a proper tribute here, by posting all their pictures. I will try to find one of everyone I know, sorry if I happen to leave anyone out.



So as I finish this out & go back to my lame-o homework, I am so grateful for the incredible people who serve & protect this country. I'm grateful for a God who chose to send me here, to a wonderful family & a wonderful nation, with such beautiful things to know & believe. I am grateful for the unfailing love & support of friends I never imagined existed, who constantly remind me that I can do anything I want, & I will. I am grateful for experiences that mold & shape us in ways we could never predict, & that I am finally recovered enough that last night I was rolling around on the floor, getting thrown & choked & flipped & just loving the whole thing. I am so blessed, & I will never forget it, even as I try to confront, & conquer the challenges God has seen fit to test me with. I love you all.